A Sign

I forgot to mention....When I walked out of the room after my first acupuncture appointment of the day, a song came on the radio by a jazz artist my dad loved.  So much so, he bought me the cd years ago.  I haven't listened to it in awhile, but whenever I hear it, it always makes me think of Pop. Seems like it was his way of letting me know he was with me today:) I so hope to be bringing a little piece of him into the world in 9 months.

We Are Three

Had a nice relaxing weekend recovering from the retrieval.  Yesterday was especially nice seeing that I took a shower, but then stayed in my robe all day and all night! HB and I had a toast last night to celebrate the little embryo that could.  My toast:  To the miracle awaiting us tomorrow.  His toast: To baby mama and baby daddy. LOL!!! 

I felt like I was going to Disneyland.  Couldn't wait to go to sleep so this day would come. I woke up early this morning with the game plan in mind, acupuncture, embryo transfer, more acupuncture. It then dawned on me I forgot to pick up our Chrimmus prime rib from the German butcher, so I dashed out to do that before my first appointment.

I got there a few minutes before opening at 9am and was 3rd in line.  It was 9:15 by the time I got outta there. I dashed off to my 9:30 appointment, but BLIMEY! There'a  HUGE accident on the freeway. It took me 30 minutes to get about 4 miles. I was late for my appointment, but fortunately, I had a cushion. After my appointment, I slammed water so my bladder would be nice and full for the procedure. Off I go. I pulled into the clinic parking lot just after HB. He gave me a huge smile and asked, "You ready to get knocked up??!"

The procedure was NOT fun.  Very uncomfortable, but when it was over, I felt like a million bucks. Especially when we were presented with a picture of our lil embryo. I'm feeling very peaceful and content. For now, and hopefully forever, We Are Three.

The Last Egg Standing

Egg retreival went about as expected yesterday.  While in recovery, the embryologist informed me 2 eggs were retrieved, 1 was mature.  She said they would still incubate the immature egg for a bit to see if it made a difference and they would perform ICSI (a single sperm is injected into each egg) on both.  So then I saw HB in the waiting area and he said baby doc came out and told him both eggs looked grainy.  Huh??? Here I was thinking we had at least one good one then I hear this!  I didn't know what to think after that. I went to acupuncture and tried to chill out.

I felt okay after the procedure, but when I woke up from my long nap, I felt crampy and bloaty.  I got out of bed and felt a sharp twinge of pain. Ouch.  I was well cared for though and had the BBQ Chicken salad I was craving delivered to me by wonderful friends :) 

My phone rang in the late afternoon.  I saw the clinic # on my caller ID. My heart jumped into my throat.  I thought they were calling to tell me both my eggs were busted. Turned out to just be an automated appointment reminder.  A reminder for the embryo transfer appointment I wouldn't need if our embryos didn't make it.

 I had a feeling of dread, of uncertainty and was having a hard time shaking it.  All I wanted was to sleep thru the night and get the fert report  the next morning. I woke up pretty early and stared at the clock wondering when I'd get the call. 2 hours passed and the call came.  "Please verify your name and date of birth", the nurse asked.  She didn't sound all full of pity, so I wasn't immediately alarmed. "JUST TELL ME!!!" I wanted to scream.  She then informed me our 1 mature egg fertilized normally.  I was shocked.  The other egg showed some chromosomal abnormalities. So, we have a contender.  If it continues to develop properly, embryo transfer will be Monday. I feel like I was able to breathe for a moment, but now I'm stressing about making it to the next stage. I'm trying to chill out, as stress is a no no.  I pray this little embryo thrives.  We're counting on you, little one!

And Then There Was One

Had my final ultrasound yesterday.  The 2 contenders were measuring 16.5, the 2 late bloomers 9. Doc had me take one more dose of Follistim and Menopur last nite (had to shoot up in a restaurant bathroom!!) to get the leads to 18.  Took my last dose of Ganirelix this morning and now, there’s just one more, the trigger shot at 9:30 sharp tonite.  Egg retrieval is this Friday at 8:30.

It all kinda hit me yesterday as I waited pant-less (and bloomer-less) for doc to come in. I texted HB, “OMG.  I can’t believe we’re doing this.” He wrote back, “Ur about to become a Mommy.” Was the most beautiful thing he’d ever said to me, other than the kick ass proposal. Hopefully we are about to start an amazing new journey together.  I’m feeling so optimistic and joyful.

Finally made it back to work yesterday after my week long pain-a-palooza. Been fun breaking the engagement news.  Be even more fun to hit ‘em with the baby news soon too!

I ordered a Chrimmus tree skirt from Pottery Barn today.  I had “The Martzes” embroidered on it. We’re gonna be The Martzes!! I can’t wait! I nearly flubbed by typing "The Martzs".  As soon as I typed it, I just stared at it thinking it was totally wrong and re-typed.  Good thing my grammaratical knowledge clicked in before I proceeded to checkout. I should not be allowed to become part of the Martzes if I cannot properly spell it.

Hopefully the Worst is Behind Me

Despite being over the moon happy the past few days, I've felt like I'd been thrown under a bus. I think the pain I've experienced this past week has been worse than any post op pain I've had. I didn't get more than an hour or so of sleep at a time for 5 nights.  Ack. Did alot of crying and SCREAMING in the middle of the night.  Didn't think I could stand it.  My neighbors probably heard all the ruckus and thought we were having wild sex!!!

I was awakened at 4am to discover Domino walking around on the nightstand.  After scolding her, I glanced at the clock and realized that I'd gotten 5 solid hours of sleep!!!! Woooo hooooooo! Glorious!
Began shot #4 this morning to prevent ovulation prior to retrieval. My poor belly is battered and bruised.
 As of yesterday's ultrasound, follicle-wise, I have 2 strong contenders and 2 late bloomers that most likely will not catch up.  But what have I said so many times?? IT ONLY TAKES ONE!  Retrieval should be on Wednesday if all goes as planned. Vag cam tomorrow morning to confirm.

Are you all ready for Chrimmus??  I'm not!  However, the season is definitely on cuz I saw Black Santa the other day.  Who is Black Santa? Well, let me tell you....There's a huge house on University Ave that has a gigantic Santa on the porch every year. Must be at least 9 feet tall.  Was driving past a couple years ago with HB and my 2 cousins.  One of them asked incredulously, "Is that a black Santa???" (Palo Alto is pretty milk toast)  I took a look and replied, "Oh no, girl.  I think the light just went off in his face." We roared with laughter!  Every now and then I come up with a good one ;-)  Afterwards, making the light go off in someone's face became a euphemism for jackin' someone up. So, the next time someone pisses you off, tell them you're going to make the light go off in their face!!! If they don't look scared, tell them they should!! Oh, so Black Santa has reappeared, so Chrimmus must be comin'!

Happy to report pain was minimal today (controlled by 2 or 3 Tylenol) compared with the past 5 days. I'm exhausted and hoping to get a full night's sleep tonight. I thought I might make it to the 8:30 yoga class tomorrow, but I'm going to roll outta bed when I'm good and ready.  I think I really need the rest. If I happen to wake up and can't get back to sleep, I'll go.  Otherwise, I'm going to do what my body dictates.
HB referred to me as his fiancee today and for some reason it just cracked me up!  In a giddy way of course.  Just unreal. And I can't stop staring at this sparkly thing on my finger.....Which I've worn every day and night even when I was oogly, completely unpresentable and bedridden.

To Hell then Heaven

The last few days have been hellacious.  Vicodin has proven to be a fair weather friend and this pain is kicking my ass! I've been in bed for the past 3 days covered with hot water bottles, the only thing that seems to provide some relief.  I have an ultrasound this morning to see how things are coming along.  I pray I can get off these meds soon.

On a brighter note, I did manage to drag myself out to dinner with HB last night.  He'd been craving Cuban food from La Bodeguita.  After being in bed for 3 days, getting out of the house sounded like a good idea in theory. I brushed my hair, put on minimal make up and tried to look presentable.  I brought a hot water bottle with me and kept it on my belly thru dinner. Classy. The food was amazing, as always.  The owners, Michael and Lara were there and we got to catch up and chat about their trip to Normandy.  So jealous!

During dinner, HB and I discussed our time at La Bodeguita.  I refer to it as the scene of the crime because it's where it became evident HB and I had a connection we both wanted to explore.  That lead to our first date. HB then held my hand and told me he's never had a relationship where he was able to visualize himself old and gray with that person, until me. Then I had an attack of pain that we had to let pass before he could continue.  Hard to say sweet, romantic things to someone that is gritting their teeth in pain. I pressed the hot water bottle into my tummy and demanded the pain be gone! So, then he told me how much the traditions we've developed together mean to him and that he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with me, that he didn't want to go one more day without making it official.  By this time, I was bawling because I knew what was coming. I cried off the little make up I had on and made myself super pretty. Despite that, he pushed the table aside, got down on one knee and asked me to make him the happiest man alive and marry him. Oh, and then he pulled out a box containing a sparkling ring that took my breath away! I, of course, said YES!!! He put the ring on my finger and I felt like I was floating on a cloud, and not because of the vicodin. We left the restaurant being cheered on :)

When we arrived home, I opened the front door to find a roaring fire (in the fireplace, not a Chrimmus tree mishap), candles everywhere, rose petals strewn about, a huge vase of roses and an ice bucket with a yummy non-alcoholic sparkling beverage in it. Lovely Day by Bill Withers played on the stereo.  It couldn't have been more perfect. I gotta give HB his kudos.  He knocked it outta the park. Our neighbors and dear friends Maggie & Frank, helped get the homefront ready to go. Way to go, guys!  Thanks!!!!

Funny, he wanted to do a Napa excursion, but my being on the wagon nonsense made that a nonstarter. Then he wanted to put Plan B into effect on Sunday, but I was really sick.  He came down with a cold a couple of days ago as my girly issues worsened. He finally said, "Screw it!  We are doing this!" and got it done.  We were both jacked up but over the moon happy.  And really, isn't that what marriage is all about? Being in love and happy even when things are going all wrong? Loving someone and thinking they're the most beautiful person on the planet even though they may look and feel like hell? I feel so blessed and so lucky to have my partner in crime.

Owwwwwwww!

So, I'm home, I've had a bite to eat and am now resting in bed, watching soaps, eating a cupcake with a hot water bottle on my belly.  Ahhhhhh.  Was up off and on all night writhing in pain.  Unfortunately, I kept HB up too, but he was being incredibly sweet and doing what he could to comfort me.  It didn't work, but the effort he put in warmed my heart :) Especially considering he wasn't feeling well either.

I got up around 2 crying my eyes out cuz it hurt so much and was also thinking, man, this is alot to bear for this to not work so it better work! When I spoke to the nurse this morning to report the meds were further aggravating my endo, she made mention of possibly canceling the cycle and I immediately teared up again.  She told me to come in at 9:20 today instead of waiting for my appointment tomorrow.

So, the doc says unfortunately the pain is a positive sign because it means my body is responding to the estrogen, which unfortunately means the endo is responding as well. I usually pop 4 ibuprofens or a vicodin the first couple of days of my period, so the 2 tylenol the nurse told me I could take yesterday weren't doing jack for me, but I didn't want to take anything else unless doc said it was okay.  ANYWAY, the ultrasound showed the 1 follie on my left side measuring 8.5.  It was 6.5 on Sunday. There might be a couple other small ones there that he can't see too well yet.  He couldn't get a great view of the right because of this huge collection of fluid on my belly trapped by post surgical adhesions. He thought it might relieve my pain a bit to drain the fluid so the nurse set up for that.  It's basically the same procedure as the egg retrieval except I was awake when he jabbed the huge ass needle thru my vag. It really didn't hurt, but the force with which he jabbed the needle in was startling and freaked me out.  Drawing out the fluid didn't hurt one bit.  There was a TON of it.  He drained 200ccs!!! My belly felt flatter immediately and I jokingly asked doc if he could do it again when it's time for me to squeeze into my wedding dress. While draining the fluid did help some with pain, vicodin is still necessary and I'm happy as heck now. 

The good news is that draining the fluid did indeed give him a better view of my right ovary where he saw another follie measuring 7.5!!! I know this isn't much, but 2 is better than one! So, I was thrilled about that.  I go back on Thursday for another ultrasound. I told HB I don't care if I still had pain.  I would endure just about anything to make our miracle happen. So, that's the story!  Despite everything, that other follie has me feeling positive again and the vicodin has me able to make it thru the day without screaming in pain.

My Ovaries are Turtles

Meaning they are sloooowwwwwwww. Yesterday's ultrasound doesn't show much activity.  1 follicle total measuring about 6.5.  Not good. Doc says this is not surprising given my issues.  He didn't want me getting discouraged yet, as he said it's just too soon to tell anything.  I'll have another ultrasound on Wednesday morning to see how things are coming along. He also said I should count on having to take these meds for more than 10 days.  Cool.  More stabbing, though I'm doing really well with all that now.  If I ever become a drug addict, I'm going to be REALLY good at it!

I got teary alot yesterday.  It's the first time I actually thought, "Shit, this may not work." and that terrified me. I've been so chock full of hope, I just refused to believe it wouldn't work, that we would get our miracle. I'm going to try to get out of this funk by going to yoga and doing something that makes me feel good.

On another note, I've been having some terrible cramping in my bowels and pelvic region.  At first I thought I was constipated or something, then realized it's the medications aggravating my endometriosis.  Joy.  I didn't want to take anything, but finally caved yesterday, as I just couldn't stand it anymore. Been poppin' Tylenol like chiclets.

Something awesome did happen yesterday.  After my appointment, HB and I stood in line, in the cold, to meet our idol, the rock star of cooking, Thomas Keller of French Laundry.  Truly, the man is a genius.  Here's a link to the pics: 
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=129593&id=602293840&l=12bdeb0b27

My toes felt like little frozen grapes, but it was TOTALLY worth it.  The chef de cuisine at his restaurant Ad Hoc was there and was posing for the photos as well.  While in line, HB and I plotted how to best postion ourselves so we could later crop that dude out. Terrible, I know, but we were there to see Thomas!
They make the most amazing fried chicken at Ad Hoc.  HB and I had a fried chicken night with our foodie homeys to try out the recipe.  Just for kicks, we used 4 different types of chickens to see if there was any difference (there was). It was loads of fun and a great story to tell Thomas (we're on a first name basis now ;-) He seemed mildly impressed we used a variety of chickens and asked which we liked best. Definitely a brush with greatness. Despite not feeling exceptionally merry yesterday, got a Chrimmus tree and got it decorated.  It looks beautiful!

 Alright, must motivate self to do something productive. I will not let this funk defeat me!

Well, that was easy!

All day yesterday, I was filled with trepidation at having to rifle thru the giant box, then commence stickin' myself.  I intended to begin at 7, but found many other super important things to do instead like rearrange stuff in the garage, laundry and trying on my dress for New Year’s Eve.  I finally got to it around 7:30.  I laid out everything I needed and had the video going online to help me along since my stabbing class was back on 11/13.  Seemed like the perfect time to have a drink, but I didn't.The first shot, Follistim, was a piece of cake.  It's an epi like pen where you just twist a dial for your dosage and stick. The needle is pretty small and didn’t hurt much. I was a bit weirded out at the prospect of puncturing myself and hesitated before doing it.  Afterwards, I realized I was trippin’ for nothin’!  The second shot, Menopur was a bit trickier.  Since I’m on a high dose, I had to reconstitute 2 little vials of powder with a liquid diluent.  I was a bit clumsy getting it done, but I did it! I’m sure I’ll become really good at it just as it’s time to quit.I was sitting on the couch doing this so I could watch the video on my laptop as I went along.  For some reason, Baddy decided he had to sit RIGHT next to me during this whole process.  Usually, he’ll be splayed out next to me or cuddled up in slumber.  This time, he was sitting at attention and was ever alert. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was making sure I was okay.  He looked truly fascinated. For a cat. So, I’m over the first of many hurdles and am feeling great!  We’ll see if I’m still all cheery when I’m up to 4 shots a day and can't button my pants.  But for now, it’s all good! Ultrasound Sunday morning to check development of follicles. Grow little follicles, grow!

All Quiet on the Western Front

This morning's date with the vag cam shows the cysts are gone. Let the games begin.

The Bitch is Back

So, guess who decided to come for a visit?  That's right, Aunt Flo (who came up with that???). Man, infertility really turns you upside down.  At no other time in my life would I be saying, "WOOO HOOOO!  CRAMPS!!"  Though I'd been feeling crampy intermittently the past couple of weeks, I was convinced she would not arrive in time.

On my way home from work last night, I decided I was going to have a glass of wine.  Shortly after arrival, AF made a brief appearance and my resolve stregnthened.  Also, I discovered HB had finished off the open bottle of Sangiovese.  Oh well.  When I went to bed I thought this was probably just some fluke spotting.  When I woke up this morning, she was in full effect.  Yipppieeeee!  I called the clinic and made a date with the vag cam for tomorrow morning.  Doc wants to make sure the cysts on my ovaries have resolved themselves before I start shootin' up.  Hopefully I'll get the all clear and all the stabbing will begin tomorrow night. I'm sure my expensive ass medication is sick of being smushed in the fridge by Thanksgiving leftovers.