A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Sam continues to do new things that delight us. Santiago was finally discharged from the NICU after his 6 month stay. Such happy things, yet I'm still feeling profound sadness about Nanu. Her services were on Monday. It was definitely the saddest, most heart breaking thing I've ever seen. A parent burying their child, their baby...There are just no words. She was dressed in a little pink onesie and was wearing a diaper. She looked amazingly beautiful not hooked up to all the lines. You know how babies have that look when they're asleep like they're dreaming about something happy? That's how she looked. Like she might open her eyes any second and smile and laugh at us. I still have an ache in my chest and tears spring to my eyes often. I still can't quite believe this has happened, yet I know it's true.

Sam and I went to the hospital the next day to see Santiago make his escape. I missed Nara, Nanu's mommy. She came to bid Santiago farewell too. I am in awe of her strength and thoughtfulness. I was soooo excited, I was practically jumping out of my skin. When Sinthia and Sonny walked out with him, I literally got chills. I felt the same rush of joy as when Sam went home. Santiago is still on a little oxygen and requires some assistance eating through a tube in his stomach, but he is the hell out of there and away from all the germy, infectious crap hospitals breed. Before we know it, he will be a strong, healthy boy probably putting the WWF smackdown on Sam. Despite being not quite as long as Sam, he's always outweighed him. He has the cutest roly poly arms and legs and long, gorgeous lashes. It was a thrill to see him loaded up in the car and on his way. We will see you soon, little friend.

Thankfully, Steve has returned from his week-long business trip, so I'm no longer single mommin' it. It could be tiring. Not having an extra set of hands to pass him off to to do things like get laundry out of the dryer made for challenges. I'm never truly alone though, as I have Maggie and Frank always at the ready to help and they did. In the midst of all the recent activity, Domino decided to scratch at a cyst on her chest, which now has the potential to become infected. She'll have to be put under to have it removed to the tune of $750-$950. Thanks, cat!! I was suppose to take her to the vet last Friday, but ended up not being able to. Frank took her on Monday and Maggie hung out with Sam while I went to the services. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without those guys.

Our little man is hitting all his milestones on time or early. He's already trying to roll over (he's made it to his side). He likes to do sit ups and REALLY likes to carry on a conversation when the mood strikes him. He's been clasping his hands in front of him for awhile too. The biggest accomplishment by far? Sam is regularly sleeping through the night! YES! You read correctly! As long as we stick to the 4Bs, bottle, bath, book, bed, he is averaging 6 or 7 hours/night. Woooo weeeee! I put him down around 11 last night. He was still snoozin' at 5:30 this morning. I got him up to feed him and change his diaper at 6. By 6:40, he was back down for the count. Pretty impressive for 11 weeks, huh? We are deeply grateful and so happy he's doing spectacularly well.

On that note......Recently, we had renewed hope about me potentially carrying our next child. Losing Nanu has firmly slammed the door shut on that. We are way too terrified of what could happen. Seeing all those tiny little babies in the NICU this past week...I just can't. I would never forgive myself if our next child(ren) had to go through what Sam went through. Maybe he/they wouldn't be as lucky. There's just too much that can go wrong. When the thought of a future pregnancy creeps into my mind, it will be followed by a resounding NO. No way. We are done. So, it's either a gestational carrier for our remaining embryos or Sam will be our one and only and he will be more than enough. I thought I'd feel kind of sad about making this decision, but I'm not. What truly matters is having a healthy baby. The way they make their way into this world so does not matter to me anymore. I like the idea of having a sibling for Sam. When we are gone, they will always have each other. Of course, this is provided one/both/all of them are not crazy and actually like each other. Here's hopin' :)

Here's a little clip of Sam showing off his beautiful smile. Below, is a prime example of what Steve is up to when I'm not around. Click on the photo to maximize, again to minimize. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Angel

Thursday night, I got the call that the daughter of one of our close NICU buddies was not expected to make it through the night. I knew that she had troubles, but I was so not expecting this. Friday morning, I got word from her Mom that she made it through and seemed to be stable. I hoped it was the miracle we all prayed for. I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. When I got there, her parents were at her bedside and their beautiful girl, Nanu, was already deteriorating. She wasn't going to make it.

We became very close to Nanu's parents as well as the parents of little Santiago. We walked the walk together, supported and consoled one another during some of the scariest times of our lives. We called our babies the Three Amigos and the Three Musketeers. We were bonded for life. We talked about how our children would grow up together and we'd recall how we'd been to war together. We knew we'd all get to the other side and all the fear and pain our babies and we suffered would be a distant memory. How could this have happened? My heart is aching and I just can't come to terms with this.

Instead of shutting down, Nanu's parents allowed me and others to spend Nanu's final hours at her bedside. What a show of grace under such terrible circumstances. It was a privilege and an honor I will never forget. Precious girl. She opened her eyes and looked right at her Mommy when her name was called. She held my finger. She was beautiful. This little girl touched so many lives and that was evident yesterday. So many came by to sit with her. Doctors and nurses on their days off came in. Nurses from other units came in. It was such a beautiful display of love and kindness. At 4:15, I said good bye to Nanu. By 5, our raven-haired angel, our tiniest Musketeer, was gone.

This morning, I am still reeling. I can't even comprehend the searing, devastating pain our friends are feeling. Whatever I imagine it to be, it has to be far worse. Please keep them and their family in your thoughts and prayers. I just don't know how anyone moves on from this.

Nanu, sweet girl, you are forever enmeshed in our hearts. Sam will know you were his friend. We will never, ever forget you. You are so, so loved.