Are you a robot?

It's the only thing that could keep you from smiling at this! I've been meaning to post this FOREVER, but dang it, I'm always rambling on about something else. Anyhoo, be sure your volume is up!

I swear, nobody gets this kid going like his Daddy. He's got the magic, giggly touch :)

Merry Christmas from Team Martz!

I've never been a morning person. Now, it's my favorite time of the day. I love being awakened by the boy's rustling in his co-sleeper. He doesn't cry, he's just movin' and shakin'. I'll look over and he's usually trying to bust out of his swaddler. Or he's part way out and is just trying to make the final break. I undo the swaddler and watch his little arms immediately fly above his head as if to say, "I'm freeeeeee!" Then I pick him up and hold him close. He's so warm and it feels like an eternity since I held him last. It's a different type of break-fast and I love it. Steve will usually change his diaper while I get the bottle ready. Then it's smiley time. Sam is at his mostest smiliest in the morning and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. He laughs, does little dances, smiles, hits the bottle, then usually goes back to sleep shortly thereafter. I swear, that boy is so dang adorable.

Bedtime is pretty awesome too. Sometimes when I hold Sam on my lap he'll gaze at me intently and I see the recognition in is eyes. After a good long stare, he smiles, not in a big cheesy way, but a sweet, simple way that seems to say, "Oh, hey Mommy." It just does something to me. Something wonderful that makes me feel loopy with happiness. I smile back and say, "Hi, sweetheart. I'm your mommy. You know how much I love you, don't you?" Then we read a book and go nite nite.

I'm wondering if Sam is getting kryptonite in those Synagis injections. I had a cold last week and was terrified I was going to pass it along to him. He's managed to stay well despite Steve, Auntie Maggie and I all getting colds. He is definitely Super Sam. We've all worn masks around him when at the peak of germiness. He doesn't seem scared of us, but does look a little confused when we're talking and he can't see our mouths. The worst part of having a cold? No smooches for 4 days! It was awful! I needs my sugar! I definitely made up for lost time when I was deemed germ free. I'm sure Sam was all, "Alright already with the kisses!!" Too bad, kid! It's your own fault for being so cute!

We kicked off our countdown to Christmas with a tour of Santa Cruz on the Holiday Lights Train last weekend with friends as you can see below.

From Holiday Train 2011

Sam enjoyed tailgating in the parking lot. Once on the train, he was lulled to sleep on his Daddy's chest, but later woke up to enjoy the Christmas carols. I've been feeling woefully unprepared for Christmas. It will be our best Christmas yet, but trying to prepare for it with a little one in tow is difficult. Finally got the tree decorated after it sat unadorned for almost 2 weeks. It looks quite beautiful. I can't believe I did it in about 30 minutes while Sam napped.

I absolutely hate shopping and this time of year makes it especially annoying. Auntie Maggie entertained Sam for a bit while I ran out and got stuff for my boys. I didn't quite get everything I needed, so Sam and I went out together later. We headed to Beltramo's, an awesome wine & spirits shop in Menlo Park for a few things (booze always make happy) and Sam was a well-behaved little cherub. He even did well at Stanford Shopping Center. I was in a panic in Williams Sonoma when I noticed one of his boots missing. I re-traced my steps and found it. In the car. Yay for that.

I'd fed Sam right before we left the house, so I thought I had a good long stretch to get stuff done. Well, he got hungry sooner than expected and had a major screamfest in the backseat while we were stuck in traffic making our last stop. I was completely frazzled and couldn't do much of anything from the front seat. The screaming continued. At stop lights, I managed to lean back far enough to get a paci in his mouth, but he was not interested AT ALL. This lack of interest in the paci will serve us well down the line. Not so much yesterday. He screamed and screamed and there was no consoling him. Then the traffic broke and we finally got moving. He fell asleep. Between all the screaming, the horrible traffic, people almost hitting me, my general hate of shopping and feeling like my gift choices sucked, my nerves were frayed. When I got home, I poured some wine in a glass and drank it down pretty much without taking a breath. Then Sam woke up and smiled at me and I felt like a completely guilty jerk. What's with that?? So, I managed to get some gifts for Sam and Steve and that was it. My apologies to everyone else. I will try to be better prepared next year.

One thing I did manage to almost get right was getting Christmas cards out on time. Notice I said almost. They arrived on Tuesday, a day earlier than expected. I got most of them addressed and in the mail the same day, BUT I didn't order enough and ran out. Apparently, I am still suffering from baby brain and cannot do simple math. GAH!!!!! I smartly avoided the post office line to get stamps. I walked right up to the customer service desk at Safeway and bought 80. American flag and Statue of Liberty stamps, but hey, they'll get stuff where they need to be. After sticking them on, I ran into the post office, dropped what I had and went on my merry way. I ordered more cards, but they won't arrive until right after Christmas, most likely. So close.

Steve picked up our Christmas Eve aged prime rib today. We will have our usual Yorkshire pudding and spinach along with it. We're still figuring out Christmas dinner, but I'm sure it will be equally fabulous. I'm happy to report I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I know this not from stepping on a scale, but from my work pants no longer giving me wedgies. We'll see if I can manage to maintain through the holidays. It's hard when your husband comes home with salted caramel butter cookies that I polished off in 2 days, then bakes loads of chocolate chip cookies from scratch. ::Sigh:: I plan to stay wedgie free in the New Year, damn it!

Team Martz is feeling so very happy and grateful this holiday season. We hope the season finds you and yours happy and healthy with hearts full of love. We wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you in the New Year. Merry Christmas!

Santa, you bore me.

Okay, so he wasn't bored. Just in a bit of a milk coma :-P

I thought this Santa was lovely. I later found out a friend of mine flipped him off in the Stanford Shopping Center parking lot after he nearly ran her down in his SUV. Come on now, Santa! Watch where you're goin'!

Sam was 15lb 4oz on Wednesday! He got his second Synagis shot and again it broke my heart to see him scream after he got stuck IN BOTH LEGS :( He clung to me afterwards and I felt just awful. He gets the 2nd half of his flu shot next week. Can a baby catch a break??

Strangely, the Nature Babycare Size 2 diapers are not much bigger than the size 1s. Sam seemed to grow out of them in like a week so, he's in size 3s already!!! Getting big too fast. Can I just keep him this size forever? Though today at work, I saw some tall guys from some sports team and thought of how neat it would be to see how tall Sam becomes. I think he's destined to be a giant.

T.G.I.F.!

Truly Thanksgiving

Last year, at the Thanksgiving table, I was feeling all sorts of little twinges. 2 days earlier, I'd had 2 little embryos placed in me, so I wondered what was percolating down there, hoping at least one hunkered down for the long haul. What a difference a year makes :) This Thanksgiving we made a pilgrimage of sorts back to Portland aka the scene of the crime. The day we stepped off the plane made exactly one year to the day the little embryo that became Sam was transferred to me. It was pretty dang cool to go back with our beautiful boy to show for all our efforts. Sam is thriving. He's strong and we are so in love with him.

The trip up couldn't have been more smooth. We popped into my office so some of my peeps there could meet Sam, then we were off through security. We breezed through the employee checkpoint and were headed up the escalator when I screamed out, "MY PURSE!!!" I ran down the up escalator and my purse was nowhere to be found. I realized I had left it in my office. The TSA folks were kind enough to let me use their phone to call a colleague to bring it down. Way to go, Stace! Anyhoo! Here's Sam on the plane. Doesn't he look comfy? LOL!

From Sam I Am

We boarded the plane with plans to give Sam a bottle on the ascent to help equalize his ears. Well, he started the bottle and was almost finished before we took off. That worked out well :-/ Then he fell asleep and didn't stir on the way up and it was all good. Midway through the flight, he decided he wanted to party, so we played for a bit. As we began our descent into Portland, he fell asleep again. We stayed put while everyone else disembarked. People walking by complimented us on our child and said they couldn't believe they didn't even realize there was a baby on the plane. We puffed up with pride :) Ann picked us up and we were off to enjoy our visit!

We started off our visit much like the previous year's - babysitting Nat and E while Ann and Mike went to Parent/Teacher conferences. Later, I ran a few errands with Ann and my boot decided to fall apart. Yes, you read correctly. The sole of my boot came off in the New Seasons parking lot and I was walking around like a lopsided doofus in the store. On the way back to the car, the rainwater soaked through the bottom to my socks. When I looked more closely, the sole of the other boot was close to coming off too. I hadn't worn these boots in ages and pulled them out thinking they'd be perfect for the trip. How did I not notice they were pieces of crap?? I said, "Um, ANN!!! I need shoes!" We went into Walgreens to try to find something cheap. No dice, so Ann took me to a trendy neighborhood shoe store where I purchased some fabulous, waterproof boots perfect for Portland and a pair of socks. $12 socks. On sale. They were the only socks available so I was SOL. Ann and I could not stop giggling about my ghetto boots whose remains were recycled at the shoe store. Hey, at least my boots didn't fall apart in the airport! That could have been disastrous and even more embarassing! I can't believe I'm about to show you this, but here it goes:

From Sam I Am

That evening, we had the great pleasure of driving a bit outside Portland to have dinner with our dear friends, The Gatlins and our new friend and Sam's maker, Dr. John Hesla of Oregon Reproductive Medicine. Getting there was dicey. I was driving a stick for the first time in years. I managed to get down the long driveway slooooowly. After a few blocks, I was driving like a pro and managed to not burn out the clutch. Woo hoo! Oh yeah, it was POURING (worst rain all year, we were told. Awesome) and I didn't know where I was going. I was terrified I was going to wreck the Kollrack's car. Side note... If you're on the freeway on your way to Warren, OR and see a bustling place called The Tavern and think it might be a good place to stop for a beer..Well, I guess it is a good place, if you want a lap dance to go with said beer. Keep drivin'! Anyway, I digress....We made it to Manny and Marna's and had so much fun! Marna couldn't wait to get her mitts on Sam. We chowed down on her kick ass chicken piccata (served with the most buttery mashed potatoes I've ever had) and shared some fantastic wine. It was such a joy to see Dr. H. What a lovely, sweet man. And there was something very special in seeing him hold Sam (picture above). It just felt like we'd come full circle. Lots o' love in the room. I am always amazed that just when I think we couldn't possibly be more blessed in the friend department, The Gatlins and Heslas of the world come along. Man, we are so, so lucky. It was pretty late when we headed back. The rain had mercifully halted for the time being. We got Sam to sleep in the co-sleeper Ann snagged from a friend and he slept through the night like the rock star baby he is.

We had a blast hangin' with our Portland family. The girls adored Sam and got plenty of cuddles in. For the most part, we did our usual things, which included eating (alot), drinking (eh, alot?), playing games with the girls (Life was the featured game this year) and many grown up games of slightly buzzed Boggle. Ann, being the consummate bartender, fixed me my first martini since my pre-pregnancy days, "Hello, lover. You're delicious and I've missed you.", I said to my cocktail.

From Sam I Am

No one mixes a drink like Annie PK. We also felt it our duty to help Ann and Mike make a dent in the huge ass bottle of scotch Mike had gotten his wife for her birfday. I'm happy and ashamed to say, we met our goal! A good time was had by all.

We enjoyed cooking our Thanksgiving dinner together and being thankful for good friends and an awesome baby. The only downer of the week was Florida losing, Oregon won (keeping Stanford out of the PAC 12 Championship), the Niners lost and my fantasy team lost! Not a good sports week for Team Martz!

The flight back wasn't quite as smooth. Sam didn't to sleep at first and was a bit screamy on the flight. Well, except for when he was mesmerized by the movie playing on the iPad belonging to the guy next to us. He wasn't screamy like crying. It was more like wondering what the heck was going on with his ears. He finally got worn out from all the walking he was doing on our laps and fell asleep shortly before we arrived at SFO. All in all, he did fantastically well. We can only hope future travel will be as easy.We hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots to celebrate.

Let the holiday season begin! We got a tree last week and have yet to decorate it, so that's our goal for the weekend. Our house smells great, but without it being decorated, it just doesn't feel like Christmas is coming, you know? We will be on it this weekend! I leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs, Harry Connick's rendition of This Christmas. Enjoy!

6 Month Check Up

Hello friends! Our boy had his 6 month check on Monday. His doctor is VERY happy with his progress. Sam was a robust 14lb 2 oz, which is in the 75th percentile. Fatty. Apparently he has a tiny noggin though. It's measuring in the 40th percentile. I don't understand how that can be cuz his head looks giant to me. Length is in the 50th. I'm sure that won't last long. Sam continues to sleep through the night. In fact, he's going to bed earlier and still sleeping through until 7 or 8. On my days off with him, I'm actually feeling rested. It's a miracle!

Sam also got his first Synagis shot last week. Um, he did NOT like it. Poor thing. One nurse held his legs down, while I held his arms. Another nurse gave him the shot in his thigh. It was ALOT of fluid going in and took a while to slowly get it in. Sam's face turned red and SCREAMED and cried. I felt like crap, like I was somehow doing it to him. I couldn't scoop him up fast enough when it was over. After some cuddles, he recovered pretty quickly. We had to wait around for 20 minutes to ensure he didn't have an adverse reaction. He didn't. During that wait, I fed him. I put him in the carseat and he was asleep before I made it to the parking lot. Sam will have 4 more shots and they have to be exactly 28 days apart. Next time, it will take 4 people to administer the shot, as the dosage will be increased and divided between 2 syringes. I and another nurse will hold him down, while 2 others nurses will give him separate shots in each thigh. He got more shots at his 6 month check. Poor little guy. It's tough being a baby.

Sam had a wonderful visit with his Grammy! What a joy to be around. I loved watching her interact with Sam. Just observing her showed me ways I could be a better mother. Such an inspiration. We'll look forward to another visit in the spring when Grandpa will come too. He was to come this time, but his recent knee replacement surgery has kept him sidelined. Grandpa sent an AMAZING DVD showing footage of the wedding of Steve's parents and of Steve and his brother, Erik, from birth to age 2. I guess documenting every little step of your child's life is not exclusive to those in the digital age. Good ol' 8mm did the trick back then. It was so neat to see Steve as a baby, with Sam looking so much like him, it's scary. I hardly have any pictures from my childhood and no video, so I cherish the gift Grandpa gave us. It's also a lesson to be more mindful in photographing Sam and shooting video so we can give him the same amazing gift that he can share with his children some day. Thanks, Grandpa. You're the best :)

On my way to work the other day, I felt a sharp pain in my chest, missing my Dad. It's funny how I'll be caught up in the whirling dervish of life and I'm feeling fine. Other days, it'll hit me like a ton of bricks all over again that he's gone and will not get to teach him important stuff like the art of the corny joke....... :::sigh::: I can only imagine the relationship he would've had with Sam. Sam would have had him wrapped around his little finger and my Dad would have enjoyed every minute of it. Of course, I will make sure Sam knows all about him, but it's just not the same.

We've discovered Sam has an awesome sense of humor! Lately, he thinks it's SUPER funny to have a blow out just as we're about to leave the house. There's a onesie of his, the very first item of clothing I bought him, that has Handsome Devil stitched on the front. The first time I put it on him, he threw up all over it on our way out and I had to change him. I put it on him last weekend and asked him to please not hurl all over himself and he agreed. Shortly thereafter, I heard artillery fire in his pants. When I checked him, he'd had a blowout that somehow left his pants clean, but he crapped up the side of his diaper and destroyed the onesie. THANKS, DUDE! I guess he's telling me he just doesn't want to wear that shirt. On Wednesday, I had to take Domino to get her stitches out. I got her in the carrier and into the car. Got Sam loaded up in his car seat and PPPPPPLEBBBBBHHHH. That's the sound of him doing his business. Geez, kid. Can you cut Mom a break?? The executive decision was made to graduate him to size 2 diapers. That seems to have cut down his clothes-destroying fun considerably. I think we've outsmarted him. For now, until his butt gets too big for his size 2s. By the way, it was loads of fun (seriously, it was hilarious!) having Domino and Sam both screaming in the back seat. Sam eventually quieted down. I think Domino's yowling freaked him out.

Check out Sam's latest trick!

Part 1

And Part 2

He got a bit of leverage being on the pillow, but the real deal can't be far behind!

It's already feeling like time with Sam is passing so quickly. Too quickly. The other day, he was in my lap, legs sprawled about, and he seemed like such a big boy. Now, when I'm holding him, it feels more like he's holding me too, as opposed to him just being on me. It's the most amazing feeling. On Thursday night, we were having play time. He likes to stand up, so we were doing a little of that. As he stood on my legs, I sang to him. He was mesmerized by my voice. Kinda funny, because I will never win any singing contests, despite my Rock Band acumen :-P He just looked into my eyes and never broke gaze, so I kept singing. Then I cradled him in my arms and sang some more. He still looked at me, like he wanted me to keep going. I bent down to kiss him. His eyelids fluttered, but he never took his eyes off me. I kept singing then bent to kiss him once more. His eyes closed and he slept soundly. I sang my son to sleep for the first time. Then came the tears. I looked at this little being so peaceful in my arms and wondered if it's possible he knows how deeply I love him. It was a special night.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPER SAM!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Peter, thanks for your AWESOME Photoshopping skills!

Baby of Steel

Check him out! Superman is appropriate, no? :) I made Sam's little cape and sewed it onto the back of his onesie. Am I a mom, or what?! :-P I looked high and low for some blue tights, but no dice. Anyhoo, pretty cute for an impromptu costume.

I'm happy to report Sam continues to sleep through the night. 8 1/2 hours last night! YAY! I got him down a bit earlier last night. He was asleep by 10, which means I got to bed by 11. Still not enough sleep for a work night, but better than the 3 1/2 hours I've been getting lately.

We received word that our insurance has approved Sam to get a series of shots called Synagis through the cold and flu season. It won't keep him from getting sick, but will lessen the effects of respiratory conditions like RSV should he be so unlucky to contract something yucky. The dosage of medication is determined by his weight. We anticipate his first shot being about $1400. He'll get one per month for about 4-5 months. We love you, Blue Shield!!!

I said goodbye to a friend on Tuesday. Okay, not a friend, more like a frenemy. I speak of the hospital grade breast pump I've been doing battle with. Due to Sam's micro preemie status, our insurance covered it for the first 6 months of his life and that time is up. Yes, 6 months have flown by. Anyway, now I have a new friend, a new pump that has all these neat little gadgets like a power cord that plugs into the car's cigarette lighter and a battery pack. You know what that means?? I can pump ON THE GO!!! Why did I not try this thing sooner?? It's life changing. It's so hard to pump at home while taking care of Sam. I do pump at work, but sometimes get distracted by stuff. So, now, my car seems to be the place where I get it done. Yup, my car. It really was a breeze. Staying true to my recent flashing tendencies, my first time pumping in the car, I forgot to put on my hooter hider. I didn't get this until I was half way to work. I tried to steer clear of high profile vehicles, lest those drivers see something that may scar them for life. It really is NOT pretty, but hey, gotta do whatcha gotta do for the bebe. Anyhoo, I always make sure I've got on the proper garb now.

We are having a blast visiting with Grandma who arrived from North Carolina this week! She's in love. Period. On her first full day here, she was already sad about leaving. Sam has been on his best behavior and has impressed her with his many skills such as laughing, talking (in his own way), and general cuteness. As sad as she will be to go, I will be as sad to see her go. Why can't all the people I love all live on a big compound somewhere?? That's my master plan.

If you thought Steve's dress up shenanigans were funny, you must see this. Our boy is a baby gorilla! I howled with laughter seeing him clutch tufts of Steve's hair.

Alrighty, off to make nice with my new friend! See ya!

A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Sam continues to do new things that delight us. Santiago was finally discharged from the NICU after his 6 month stay. Such happy things, yet I'm still feeling profound sadness about Nanu. Her services were on Monday. It was definitely the saddest, most heart breaking thing I've ever seen. A parent burying their child, their baby...There are just no words. She was dressed in a little pink onesie and was wearing a diaper. She looked amazingly beautiful not hooked up to all the lines. You know how babies have that look when they're asleep like they're dreaming about something happy? That's how she looked. Like she might open her eyes any second and smile and laugh at us. I still have an ache in my chest and tears spring to my eyes often. I still can't quite believe this has happened, yet I know it's true.

Sam and I went to the hospital the next day to see Santiago make his escape. I missed Nara, Nanu's mommy. She came to bid Santiago farewell too. I am in awe of her strength and thoughtfulness. I was soooo excited, I was practically jumping out of my skin. When Sinthia and Sonny walked out with him, I literally got chills. I felt the same rush of joy as when Sam went home. Santiago is still on a little oxygen and requires some assistance eating through a tube in his stomach, but he is the hell out of there and away from all the germy, infectious crap hospitals breed. Before we know it, he will be a strong, healthy boy probably putting the WWF smackdown on Sam. Despite being not quite as long as Sam, he's always outweighed him. He has the cutest roly poly arms and legs and long, gorgeous lashes. It was a thrill to see him loaded up in the car and on his way. We will see you soon, little friend.

Thankfully, Steve has returned from his week-long business trip, so I'm no longer single mommin' it. It could be tiring. Not having an extra set of hands to pass him off to to do things like get laundry out of the dryer made for challenges. I'm never truly alone though, as I have Maggie and Frank always at the ready to help and they did. In the midst of all the recent activity, Domino decided to scratch at a cyst on her chest, which now has the potential to become infected. She'll have to be put under to have it removed to the tune of $750-$950. Thanks, cat!! I was suppose to take her to the vet last Friday, but ended up not being able to. Frank took her on Monday and Maggie hung out with Sam while I went to the services. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without those guys.

Our little man is hitting all his milestones on time or early. He's already trying to roll over (he's made it to his side). He likes to do sit ups and REALLY likes to carry on a conversation when the mood strikes him. He's been clasping his hands in front of him for awhile too. The biggest accomplishment by far? Sam is regularly sleeping through the night! YES! You read correctly! As long as we stick to the 4Bs, bottle, bath, book, bed, he is averaging 6 or 7 hours/night. Woooo weeeee! I put him down around 11 last night. He was still snoozin' at 5:30 this morning. I got him up to feed him and change his diaper at 6. By 6:40, he was back down for the count. Pretty impressive for 11 weeks, huh? We are deeply grateful and so happy he's doing spectacularly well.

On that note......Recently, we had renewed hope about me potentially carrying our next child. Losing Nanu has firmly slammed the door shut on that. We are way too terrified of what could happen. Seeing all those tiny little babies in the NICU this past week...I just can't. I would never forgive myself if our next child(ren) had to go through what Sam went through. Maybe he/they wouldn't be as lucky. There's just too much that can go wrong. When the thought of a future pregnancy creeps into my mind, it will be followed by a resounding NO. No way. We are done. So, it's either a gestational carrier for our remaining embryos or Sam will be our one and only and he will be more than enough. I thought I'd feel kind of sad about making this decision, but I'm not. What truly matters is having a healthy baby. The way they make their way into this world so does not matter to me anymore. I like the idea of having a sibling for Sam. When we are gone, they will always have each other. Of course, this is provided one/both/all of them are not crazy and actually like each other. Here's hopin' :)

Here's a little clip of Sam showing off his beautiful smile. Below, is a prime example of what Steve is up to when I'm not around. Click on the photo to maximize, again to minimize. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Angel

Thursday night, I got the call that the daughter of one of our close NICU buddies was not expected to make it through the night. I knew that she had troubles, but I was so not expecting this. Friday morning, I got word from her Mom that she made it through and seemed to be stable. I hoped it was the miracle we all prayed for. I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. When I got there, her parents were at her bedside and their beautiful girl, Nanu, was already deteriorating. She wasn't going to make it.

We became very close to Nanu's parents as well as the parents of little Santiago. We walked the walk together, supported and consoled one another during some of the scariest times of our lives. We called our babies the Three Amigos and the Three Musketeers. We were bonded for life. We talked about how our children would grow up together and we'd recall how we'd been to war together. We knew we'd all get to the other side and all the fear and pain our babies and we suffered would be a distant memory. How could this have happened? My heart is aching and I just can't come to terms with this.

Instead of shutting down, Nanu's parents allowed me and others to spend Nanu's final hours at her bedside. What a show of grace under such terrible circumstances. It was a privilege and an honor I will never forget. Precious girl. She opened her eyes and looked right at her Mommy when her name was called. She held my finger. She was beautiful. This little girl touched so many lives and that was evident yesterday. So many came by to sit with her. Doctors and nurses on their days off came in. Nurses from other units came in. It was such a beautiful display of love and kindness. At 4:15, I said good bye to Nanu. By 5, our raven-haired angel, our tiniest Musketeer, was gone.

This morning, I am still reeling. I can't even comprehend the searing, devastating pain our friends are feeling. Whatever I imagine it to be, it has to be far worse. Please keep them and their family in your thoughts and prayers. I just don't know how anyone moves on from this.

Nanu, sweet girl, you are forever enmeshed in our hearts. Sam will know you were his friend. We will never, ever forget you. You are so, so loved.

Lottery, Hear My Cry!

I'm sure these words or something similar have been screamed by mothers everywhere returning to work. I cannot even tell you how much it has sucked having to leave Sam. I miss him so much through the day and rush to get home to him. I've got just about 3 weeks back under my belt now and it hasn't gotten any easier being away from him. If things had gone as planned, I'd be back at work when he's about 5-6 months old and routines are somewhat established. Returning when his adjusted age is just a few weeks old makes things difficult. Until my winning-the-lottery plan works out, I'll just have to deal. In the meantime, knowing Sam is in trusted hands gives us great peace. There's no need to call or text every 5 minutes to see what's going on. We know it's all good and he's being loved to bits.

We've had some success getting him to sleep for extended periods of time through the nite. Two words - bath time! I try to feed him between 9:30-10 and bathe him afterwards. The bath gets him good and chill. We've been able to put him down when he's still awake, but drowsy. He'll drift off and sleep for 4-5 hours. In order for me to make it to work on time, I need for him to wake up between 3:30 and 4. He gets his boob time, topped off with a bottle, then a fresh diaper. He generally will go right back to sleep when I put him back down. Even at his young age, he realizes no one should have to be awake at 5 am!!! I then get all his bottles ready for the day, measure out his medications, then get ready for work and head on out. I get about 4 hours of sleep on work nights. Back in the day, I would have been wrecked, but somehow, my body has compensated. I used to be caffeine free, but now, on work days, caffeine is KING. I have a grande something or another in the morning to get a lil pep in my step.

I still feel like I'm operating with half a brain these days. My biggest faux pas seems to be pumping and/or breast feeding and forgetting to pull my shirt back over my bra before presenting myself to the outside world. Duh. The first weekend I was back at work, I walked into the break room to put something in the fridge, passing some security dude in there. Went in the bathroom and realized my tank top was still down and my bra was in full view. Way to go!!! GAH! Get it together, woman!

One thing we've learned is sometimes, babies just go through phases where they're off kilter and it doesn't mean a thing. Sam was eating like a rock star. I was sure he was going through a growth spurt. Then it didn't seem like he was eating enough. After having those concerns, he gained over a pound in less than 2 weeks, so he's ahead of the curve and doing great! On Monday, he weighed in at 11 lb 3 oz! What a bruiser!

Sam continues to be a party animal! He attended Oktoberfest at his buddy Franklin's place, went to a baby shower and another birthday party. He also attended his first wine tasting last week. Southern Rhone wines. Had to be French, of course :-P Despite the half brain, we seem to be getting better and better at getting him out of the house without forgetting too much of his stuff. He requires SO MUCH STUFF. Whether at home or on the go, seems we are laden with baby gear. We now own a swing, a bouncy seat and a Mamaroo. Funny thing is he doesn't seem to prefer one over the other. And he's okay with putting him in one of them if he's already calm, but if he's screaming, strapping him into one of those devices does NOT calm him down. He will scream his fool head off until we fetch him. His favorite place to sleep is still on our chests. It rocks my world to be cuddling with him and feel his heartbeat on my chest. He's finally gotten used to his co-sleeper and even sleeps in his moses basket on occasion. In order for him to sleep soundly (when he's not on us), he MUST be swaddled. Otherwise, he'll start flailing his arms and wake himself up. Sometimes, when swaddled, he has a way of busting out like the Hulk. We have a little velcro swaddler thingy that goes with one of his sleep sacks. We now use that over his jammies like a little straight jacket and it works like a charm.

One of the absolute best things we've experienced these days is Sam's smile! On his 5 month birthday on Tuesday, Steve and I were playing with him and I asked him, "Who's been on this earth for 5 whole months?!" He gave us the hugest smile! What an awesome moment! He's tracking things pretty well these days and locking his gaze with ours more often. He also likes to grab stuff, like my hair. So far, he seems to be right on track developmentally.

Oh! I almost forgot! We attended the NICU graduation party! It was so cool to be able to see some of the folks that helped Sam get where he is. Every day we hold our son, we are forever grateful to the folks at Packard. We got word yesterday that one of his former roommates that arrived in June lost his battle last weekend. It is still so devastating to hear this news and makes us so sad. Sam is a true Miracle. We will never forget how easily things could've gone the other way. We are so incredibly lucky to be blessed with this beautiful little nugget who continues to thrive.

I hope this post finds you all well! Happy Friday!

Adventures in Parenting

So, I'm finally coming up for air! I intended to post an update on our first 24 hours at home. Then it became 48 hours, and, well, here I am 3 weeks later. It has been a wonderful, tiring, happy time in the Team Martz household. We are so thrilled to have Sam home and be able to see his angel face all day and all night. He is such a sweet boy and we are thoroughly smitten. Even when he's screaming, which he only seems to do for us. So far, when we have visitors, he's perfectly behaved. He will start screaming about 5 minutes after guests leave pretty much without fail. Little booger. The transition has actually been quite easy except for the lack of sleep (minor, right?). We were handling so much of his care at the hospital, we really felt well prepared to take care of him at home. So far, we troubleshoot pretty well.

The doctors told us how preemies thrive once home and that has been so true. Sam is getting HUGE and busting out of some of his newborn clothes already. He's about 9 1/2 pounds now. Can you believe that??? I still find myself getting very emotional at times. Especially in the middle of the night during quiet times. One night, around 3am, I gazed down at him and marveled at what a big boy he's become. I teared up thinking where he started, a teeny 1lb 13oz. It hardly seems possible he could survive, but here he is.

I was going through a folder last night that we brought home from the hospital and came across a detailed discharge summary. Sam's first 110 days on this earth were summarized in 7 short pages. There were details about the delivery. Stuff Steve and I had never known. I read it and was totally sad and unnerved. When Sam was born, he was barely alive. His heart rate was 60. After 1-2 minutes of positive pressure ventilation, it was still in the 60s. He was intubated and his heart rate finally climbed to 100 after 5 minutes. Was it a blessing that I was under? Those would've been 5 excruciating minutes. When I told Steve about this, I could see he was bothered too. He said he was outside the operating room waiting for his son to come out and he might not have. He could've been called in to say good bye. Being out cold, I could've missed his entire life. I can't imagine finally coming to and being told he was gone. :::sigh::: I still can't believe we've come so far. We are having such a blast learning all about this little cherub. Our lives are already so much richer with him in it. He's here. He's doing great. I've got to find a way to let the past go.

Anyhoo, back to the report. The first night home was interesting. We had Sam in the co-sleeper right next to us. The problem was we couldn't sleep because every little sound and rustle kept us awake. There were lots of them. We think he just wasn't used to all the quiet darkness. We started playing music and leaving the lights on low and that seemed to help. It helped him, anyway. We still weren't getting much sleep. We decided to care for him in shifts, which enables us both to get a few solid hours at different times. This seems to be working at the moment, but we'll have to come up with plan b, when Steve returns to work. Oh, right. That's TODAY. So, now we're both pretty much on 24 hour duty and both exhausted. I did manage to give Jr. a bath this afternoon, throw him in the swing, then hop in the shower. I am currently inhaling a sandwich as I type. First food today.

On night 2, Steve and I snipped off each other's hospital bracelets that gave us access to the nursery and shared a toast. Sam was home!

Then, calamity. It was all the usual stuff. Pee EVERYWHERE (over my shoulder and all over the floor). Spit up all over me. A blow out diaper. Wooo weee! That kid had me hoppin'! He seems to be taking aim with his pee pee now, but his aim isn't very good. One night, he manged to pee on his own face. LOL!

Sam had been doing really well recovering from his hernia surgery, but at the close of his first week home, his belly button incision became inflamed. The triage nurse recommended bringing him into urgent care. Steve had all kinds of meat on the smoker, so I packed Sam up for our first solo adventure in the car. He was out like a light as soon as the car started moving. Anyhoo, there was definitely an infection, so I dropped him off at home, then headed to the 24 hour pharmacy in Mountain View for antibiotics. Over the course of a few days, it was definitely getting better. Less redness and swelling. Now, it seems to be getting worse again, so we'll see what the doctors pull out of their hat this time.

We've been out and about a few times. Our first big outing was to wish our friends, the Baiamontes, a fond farewell as they high tailed it out of the Bay Area. They were a whole 2 or 3 miles away. Then we ventured to Maddux Park in Redwood City for Miss Makenna's birthday party. All went smoothly until we stopped for diapers on the way home. Sam completely lost his sh*t while Daddy was in the store, so I stuck a boob in his mouth in the car and that did the trick. We had dinner at the Yummy's and that went pretty smoothly. We've had our usual wine and cheese fests on the patio, so we're doing a pretty good job so far of incorporating the wee one into our routine.

This past weekend, we hit little cousin Jenna's 1st birthday bash. Had a mishap of sorts on the way. I forgot to put nursing pads in my bra. Yeah, I know. Living dangerously! We were running late and less than a half mile from the house when I sprung a leak on the right side. Too late to turn back. I took some of the tissue paper from Jenna's present and shoved it in my bra. That wasn't working so well. I shoved a cloth diaper in there and that did the trick. Sexy. Whatever would I do about the big wet spot on my dress? Well, I took it off and put it out the window. It was dry in about 3 minutes. Gotta get creative sometimes, right?

That same evening had dinner with our NICU buddies, the Boosts, Reinhard, Michelle and little Anton. We joked that the boys were all, "Oh hey! NICU, right?" Anton was born term a couple of weeks before Sam. He's so cute and so engaged. He smiles right at you. He laughs. It was so cool to get a preview of what Sam will soon be doing.

We rounded out the weekend with a fun Labor Day get together at Auntie Dayna's. Sam has enjoyed all the festivities and has traveled well!

I'm happy to say I've lost weight since Sam came home! Thing is, it's because I often don't have time to eat!!! The day will nearly be over and I'll remember, "Oh yeah, food." On that note, HUGE thanks to all who have fed us recently, the Smiths, Bree, Sophia and Bruce, Kris. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone! I seem to forget a lot more these days. Baby brain in full effect.

Oh! We've really enjoyed going for walks around Crescent Park these days. We usually head out right after Jr. has eaten so he snoozes in the stroller. We meandered through one of the Palo Alto community gardens. A nice couple gave us some fresh green beans which we had for dinner. Delish. The weather has been perfect and getting fresh air has been awesome. It's really easy to let the whole day slip away without even getting outside, so the walks have been fantastic.

You know what the scariest thing on earth is?? Cutting a baby's fingernails!!! Oh my God. I was so scared I was going to lop something off. His little nails are razor sharp though and he was scratching himself, so I had to give him a little mani. Filed them and everything.

We had our first family photo shoot last Friday. The pic above was taken right after Sam crapped all over my shirt. Um, that part was cropped out. Our photographer got some beautiful shots of Sam. She has such a great eye. If you ever need photos done, she's your gal. In addition to being crazy talented, she's just such a warm and lovely human being who considers it such a privilege to document these beautiful little lives. Check out her website, www.picturekidz.com . Btw, for the smaller pictures below, click on the photo for full viewing, then click again to reduce.

Sam should be screaming for food any minute now, so I must go. Good catching up with you!

What a Wonderful World!

Hey peeps! I write to you tonite with a heart so full of happiness, it might just bust. Our sweet boy came home today! Jr. passed his car seat test with flying colors on Saturday, so we waited for word from the doc this morning whether Sam would be sprung today or Monday. When I called in for the morning update and got the news, I was stunned. He's coming home? Seriously?? We sprung into action, putting the finishing touches on the casa, got the hoopty washed and headed to the hospital. We were so excited. Giddy even! It didn't seem real that we were going to bring our boy home.

We arrived to find Jr. hungry and poopy. I changed his diaper then removed all his leads. Wireless, baby! I handed him to Steve to feed and found myself still making accommodations for all the wires. Steve had to remind me they weren't there. Oh yeah. It felt so strange. Anyhoo, we got him fed, dressed him up in the Team Martz uniform and got him set in his car seat. We said our goodbyes to the nurses in the intermediate care nursery and signed out for the last time. Woooo hooooo!

We headed up to the NICU to say goodbye to Bridget, Sam's first primary nurse. She was all smiles and hugs for Sam. We also saw nurse, Caroline Lamont. For those of you that know my parents, yes, that's her name! She always calls Sam Lamont. I told her it was quite alright, as I'm sure my Dad would too :) Oh! The other night, I ran into one of Sam's primary nurses in the NICU on the night shift, Alice. She was in the delivery room when Sam was born, so she holds a special place in our hearts. She was transporting a baby to the step down nursery when I was on my way out for the night, so I was able to get a picture of her with Sam when she was finished up. Seeing her really reminded me of the early days with Sam when he was so tiny and fragile and we weren't sure he'd make it. How things have changed. Our little man has come a long way.

During the past few months, we've become close to 3 families all fighting the good fight for their babies. You may remember me mentioning Sinthia, Sonny and Santiago before. Santiago and Sam were partners in crime in all kinds of shenanigans in the NICU. The innocent bystander was Nanu, daughter of Narayani and Karthik. She was the 3rd of the 3 Amigos. We have been there for each other during some of the scariest times of our lives and have loved and supported each other through it all. Well, we headed out the front entrance of Packard, Steve was off to get the car and who's moseying in? Narayani, Karthik and Naryani's parents who have been visiting from India since Nanu made her appearance. We embraced and squealed excitedly. It was plain to see they were as thrilled as we were that Sam was being sprung.

A couple minutes later, I spotted Sinthia walking up the driveway. Steve pulled the car up and couldn't believe it! He thought I had orchestrated the whole thing, but I didn't. Everything just cosmically aligned to create the perfect send off for Sam. We were always trying to visit each other between procedures, feedings and pumpings and it was HARD, so we couldn't have planned this perfect moment if we'd tried. It made Sam's farewell to Packard that much sweeter to have these wonderful friends with us who have been with Jr. from the start. I'm smiling right now thinking about it.

Funny, it felt like we were on a covert mission, sneaking Sam out. I was half expecting someone yell out, "You, with that baby! STOP!!", but we passed the exit gate without incident. Our journey had begun. We'd be home in 10 minutes.

We arrived home to find Auntie Maggie and Uncle Frank waiting for us. They filmed us coming in to mark the occasion and took lots of pics. We then proceeded to do what we do best. We had a little wine, cheese and tasty treats on the patio with Sam! He was perfectly behaved and oh so comfy with Maggie, who's given Jr. the moniker Snugglepants. LOL! Love it!

Thank you so much to every single one of you that lent love and support these past 3 months. It meant more to us than we can ever express. We look forward to sharing the joy of raising our son with you all.

I'm sitting here watching my boys snooze. And snore. It is indeed a wonderful world :) This is our favorite lullaby as of late. I heard it awhile ago and it brought me to tears thinking how much wonderful our world is with Sam in it. Nite nite all.

Surgery Update

We are happy to report Sam did very well! The surgery went off without a hitch. He was intubated for the procedure, but came out of the anesthesia so well, the tube was taken out and he breathed on his own in stellar fashion. Downside is he was in some pain and would cry in this plaintive, whiny sounding way that broke our hearts. We took turns just holding him until well after 12:30. It really seemed to comfort him. The nurse sent us home when it was evident we were struggling to stay awake. We hated leaving him, but felt better that he ate small amounts twice before we left. I just checked in with the night nurse and he's now close to being up to full feeding again. He also seems to be less irritable. Way to go, Sam!

Btw, Sam is back in the NICU as a precaution, but should be back in the step down nursery this afternoon since he's doing so well.

Thank you all SO MUCH for all the texts, emails and phone calls of support. I just know Sam was feelin' the love!

We Are Team Martz!

This week has been good and bad. Sam failed his car seat test AGAIN. :::sigh::: He made it 15 minutes without a desat the first time. This time, 20 minutes. Man! We could tell his reflux was kicking in, then the desat came shortly thereafter. The doc thinks it's positional, as the car seat is compressing his gut. We will try some positional aids to help him achieve success next time. But first.....

Sam is having his hernia surgery today at 4pm, so keep him in your thoughts. It should be a pretty quick procedure. He'll most likely be back upstairs in the NICU for a day or two to recover, then we can focus on busting him outta the joint again.

Steve and I celebrated our first anniversary on Sunday! What a great day it was. We had a fantastic brunch at the Village Pub, the site of our wedding reception. It was fun to reminisce about the day and how wonderful everything turned out. I wish we could do it all again :)

There was a family at the next table celebrating grandma's 70th birthday. They'd brought a cake that had 70 freakin' candles on top of it. The staff lit 'em up and brought it out. It was a complete fire ball. If the waiter hadn't had short hair, he would've been up in smoke for sure. Amazingly, grandma was able to blow them all out in one shot.

The plan after brunch was to see Cowboys and Aliens. We know our movie-going opportunities will be slim in the future. However, we were missing our boy and headed straight to the hospital. We had bath time, which has become one of our favorites. I'm really getting the hang of it and not feeling quite as clumsy bathing him these days. Again, I was thankful I was getting to practice before going it alone at home. Steve has become a most excellent bath time assistant. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's back at work and I'm trying to do it on my own! Unless Jr. is particularly funky, maybe bath time should always be a job for Mommy AND Daddy.

Afterwards, we went home and had the top layer of our wedding cake. I was VERY excited, since our best man, Erik ate mine (BOTH PIECES!!) at the wedding. Thanks dude! LOL! The cake had been in the freezer for a year. Guess what? It tasted like it had been in the freezer for a year. BLEH! We should've wrapped it up better. Such a shame. I snipped some herbs from our garden to decorate it like it was a year ago. It was so pretty! Steve tried to power through and eat a whole piece. I threw in the towel after the 2nd bite. I assured him I believed he would still hold our anniversary date sacred even if he didn't finish the cake. He was glad I let him off the hook. He looked like he was 2 seconds from hurling. We washed the wretched cake down with the 1959 Calvados I got Steve as a wedding gift. Now, THAT, was divine. Smooooove.

We reflected on what a fantastic year Team Martz has had and all we've accomplished. We celebrated our wonderful son and dreamed about all the next year would bring. We can't wait :)

I'll leave you with a little Bill Withers, Ain't No Sunshine, our wedding song. Hope ya'll are having a great week! Send healing vibes to Jr.!

100 Days

Today marks 100 days since Sam made his debut. Feels like a mighty loooooong time.

We were hoping our little man was going to make it home this weekend. Unfortunately, 2 things popped up. First, Jr. has a hernia that will require surgical repair. It'll be done as soon as he can be fit into the schedule. It's not considered urgent and it's common in preemies (how many times have we heard that??), especially in boys.

Second, Sam failed his car seat test today!!! Totally unexpected, he's been doing so great. He has to be in the car seat for 90 minutes without having a desat. Completely caught us off guard. We really thought he was coming home tomorrow. So, we wait some more. Obviously, we want him home with us, but we want to make sure he's ready. Poor kid. It's like he's run a freakin' marathon, the finish line is finally in sight, then someone trips him. :::sigh::: No fair!

On a positive note, there have been some great achievments this past week! Jr's MRI came back clear. YAY! Also, the vessels in his eyes are finally mature and he has no disease. If he has to wear glasses down the line, it won't be because he was a micro preemie. Those eye exams were terrible, so I'm ecstatic he won't have to endure another. Again, YAY! Oh, wait! He also passed his hearing test! Way to go, my boy!

Speaking of hearing, I wonder how much of ours we will lose now that Sam has learned to SCREAM so well. Seriously. I was like, "Wow. Your lungs are FINE." The other day, I arrived in the morning to find Sam in one of his favorite joints, the swing. He was sound asleep. Then he woke with a full on scream. There was no working up to it. No gentle coaxing from me to wake. He simply screamed his fool head off. The really funny part is his eyes were still closed. Apparently, he wanted to use all his energy on the SCREAMING, not on opening his eyes.

Yesterday was comedic. I was trying to change Sam's diaper while he was screeching. I got his diaper off, got him cleaned up and got a new diaper under him. What does he do? He peed all over himself and hits me on the arm. I get him cleaned up again and get another diaper under him. A poop missle appears, misses the diaper and hits his bedding. Dear God, boy! I got him cleaned up AGAIN and wrapped up his butt without further incident. I fell into the chair with him and got him on my boob. I looked around and his little area looked like a tornado hit after my frenzied attempt to do something as simple as change a diaper. Oh, and did I mention he was SCREAMING the entire time all this was going on?? GAH!!! Steve heard him all the way from the front desk. What pipes he has.

There have been so many more funny, little things, but my brain is too fried to recall them at the moment. I need to start writing this stuff down right away, lest, it fall right out of my head.

We've been trying to capture Sam's smile for a while. Isn't it just so sweet? A beautiful pic to commemorate his 100th day with us. We love you, sweetheart!

Countdown

Well, friends, Samuel has rocked it this week. He is growing stronger each day and proving what a tough little dude he is. His feeding tube is now out and he's getting all his meals from breast and bottle. It's so nice to see his little angel face without a bunch of stuff taped onto it. HUGE accomplishment that puts him on the road to coming home. His nurse practitioner advised us today to celebrate our wedding anniversary early, as he could be home in a week. A WEEK!!! We are thrilled and terrified at the same time. We have also discovered The Village Pub will hook us up with a to go order. I can't think of any better way to celebrate our anniversary than hangin' at home (HOME!) with our little guy, celebrating all he's accomplished. It's been a tough, but good year.

Sam's suck/swallow/breathe skills have definitely gotten better, but he still has occasional desats and bradys that seem to be related to eating. The key is he needs to be able to recover on his own (even term babies brady) without any intervention, oxygen, etc. He's begun doing this, but needs to maintain for at least 5 days straight. Yesterday was day 1. The countdown begins.

Also, instead of eating every 3 hours, he's now being fed on demand. This means WAAAAHHHHH!!! = FOOD! He wakes up, screams a little and tries to eat his hand. We feed him and let him eat as much as he wants. The docs are monitoring closely to ensure he's still eating enough and gaining the proper amount of weight (currently 6lbs 13oz!!!). He's been guzzling down like a frat boy, so no issues there.

His little eyeballs are still looking good today after his weekly eye exam. The vessels are still immature, so he will continue to be examined weekly until they are mature, which should be just a couple of weeks, hopefully. The exams are so unpleasant, I'm hoping he can kick that to the curb very soon. It's so distressing to hear him scream from the discomfort. It makes my heart ache for him.

I was warned I would become huge a crybaby. Boy, you guys weren't lyin'. I cry at EVERYTHING. One of my biggest bawls came after this Father's Day commercial.

Damn you, Hallmark! I had to rewind the commercial so Steve could see it. The end, where the Dad comes in and says, "Com'ere!" and the little girl jumps into his arms just slays me. Through snorty, snotty tears, I said to Steve, "Sam is gonna love you that much!!! WAHHHHHHH!!! "

I bawled at a diaper commercial showing a micro preemie like Sam, 3 months early. Seeing that tiny little girl, just tugged at my heart.

I hear songs that make me think of Sam and just sob. :::sigh::: I'm a Mommy. I've already abandoned lip gloss since I kiss him a million times a day. Mascara should probably go too. I've ended up with raccoon eyes on more than one occasion.

We need to give big time thanks to my cousin Jay and his awesome wife, Tami. After 2 beautiful girls, they had enough baby gear to open a store. We are the lucky recipients of ALOT of that stuff. Thanks, you guys! You have been crazy generous and we appreciate it so, so much! We look forward to babysitting for, like, a thousand hours to re-pay you. Tell Jada we'll let her drive :)

I hope next week, I'm writing to let you know our sweet boy is home. Can you believe the finish line is so freakin' close??!! Wooo hooooo!

Sam's Sunday Craptacular!

He came. He saw. He crapped. BOY, did he. I noticed Jr. hadn't pooped in 24 hours, though he was REALLY trying. It's unusual for him to not poop at least twice. I mentioned to the nurse maybe he was constipated and needed a little somethin' somethin'. She agreed and said she'd give him a suppository, the glycerine bullet. Sam got a spa treatment of a bath, after which we dressed and swaddled him up before she had a chance to give it to him. So, she gave it to him later. When we returned in the evening, the night nurse said he'd had a blow out, which I dubbed Sam's Sunday Craptacular!! We were happy he pooped and happy we weren't there to clean it up! Not so fast. We approached Sam's crib and noticed the funk in the air immediately. Craptacular 2.0 was in effect. Steve got the wipes ready. I got the diaper and Aquaphor. I pulled down the diaper. Oh. My. GOD. It was FULL of what looked like MUD. Seriously. It looked like he sat in a bucket of MUD!! I looked at Steve. He looked at me. We looked at Jr.'s butt. We were in disbelief. I told Steve I was gonna need more wipes. It took a good long while to get the crap spackle off his butt. Damn. That's all I can say.

Speaking of huge poops, Sam is up to 6lbs 4oz!! I was sure he'd lost like a pound after that poop, but he's going strong. He still feels tiny compared to other babies, but I guess he's kinda normal size now. Smaller side of normal. The only time I think he's huge is when I remember he's still suppose to be in me. Last week, I found myself examining my c-section scar. "My son came from here, from me.", I thought. Still very surreal. I mean, he's here. I've got the baby to prove that scar is not for naught. Sometimes I still can't believe it though.

More about that fabulous bubble bath! It was like a spa treatment, thanks to his wonderful nurse, Patty. He was a little fussy before he went into the tub. Being nekkid isn't his fave right now. Once he got in the water, oh man! He just loooooved it! He loved it so much, his little toes curled. Here's a little video of him chillaxin'.

Now, on to the Boob Report. Jr. has been working very hard to become a breast feeding expert. He's doing it so well, his lips are getting chapped. Seriously! He still has his fits of desperation, where he gets in his own way. He'll have his little arms in the way and end up with his hand in his mouth. Then he has a fit and tries to grab onto my nipple with both hands. It's hilarious! Well, it wasn't so hilarious the other day when he scratched my nipple with his little shiv of a fingernail. OWWWW! Mommy will need to learn to cut fingernails asap. He usually goes at it for 15-20 minutes and gets out about half of his feed. I give the rest by bottle if he's awake enough. He gets tuckered out working for his meals. At that point, I'll pull him off and I'm always amazed by how much of my boob is actually in that tiny little mouth. Boob for DAYS. Reminds me of one of those clowns with the never ending stream of handkerchiefs coming out of their pockets. Hopefully, as the next few weeks go by, he will get stronger and be able to breastfeed for longer periods of time.

Sam's eye exam last Thursday brought great news. Actually, let me back up. The week before last, Jr. was noted to still have stage 1 in both eyes, an improvement over the previous diagnosis of stage 1 in both eyes and a tiny bit of stage 2 in his left eye. His last exam showed he's no longer even considered stage 1. Whatever damage he had is reversing itself. At this point his eyes are looking great! He'll still need to have weekly checks since this could change at any time, but so awesome to take a step in the right direction!

Okay, ready for some REALLY awesome news? Yes, it's even better than the Craptacular! Today, Jr. had an oxygen challenge test. His oxygen was turned down to 21%, which is regular room air. He was still getting a little flow though. He did so well, his cannula was removed. He continued to do well after another 30 minutes. For this reason, the cannula will stay off unless he backslides a bit. HUGE news!!! I was so excited, I hugged his nurse, told 5 people, then ran out into the hall and jumped in the air pumping my fist! YAY SAM!!!!!!! I am so, so proud of our boy! I'm just about to bust with happiness! As Sam nears 37 weeks, I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, time for some serious thank yous. Dayna and Eija, thank you for throwing such a beautiful shower to celebrate Sam. What a wonderful day! I so enjoy being in the loving fold of girls I'm proud to call friends. Dayna, thank you for welcoming us all into your home, AGAIN. Some of the most important events of my life have been celebrated in your backyard. I cherish those times and you. Also, big thanks to Dave, our wedding officiant and homey, for springing for the par-tay for the displaced husbands and children! You are too, too generous!

In addition to becoming parents, Steve and I are now god parents to a wonderful young man named Joseph. Ash, we were so floored and so honored you asked. We look forward to being a huge part of Jojo's life and hope he will always know he can count on us. We are family and we love you both so much.

Until next time.....

Graduation

This is gonna be a long one. Lots of big stuff happening and no time to write all week. You ready?? Here it goes!

Our little guy continues to delight and entertain us. We've recently referred to him as Sam, The Destroyer. This is due to his ability power poop, destroying all in his path. Last week, It was the poop heard 'round the world! The nurse pulled down Sam's diaper and ka-POW! Jet-propelled nuggets splattered the inside of his isolette. Way to go, champ! The little dude has done this a couple of times. He farts up a storm, which Steve thinks is hella amusing. Okay, it IS kinda funny :-P How could something that loud come out of such a tiny little being?? He cut one so loud yesterday, I feared people would think I did it! Somehow, I think there will be many farting contests going on in our household in the future. Aren't boys awesome?!

Close monitoring of the eyeballs continues. Sam had his 2nd eye exam last Friday. The results were "incipient stage 1 ROP, zone 2". As scary as that sounds, it's actually a pretty good report. Sam has the tiniest of beginnings of ROP at the very outer edge of zone 2. This diagram explains a bit more: http://www.tsbvi.edu/seehear/winter98/rop.htm. The eye doc said most stage 1 and stage 2s resolve on their own. Yesterday's exam shows the same with the addition of some minor stage 2, outer edge of zone 2. All in all, still a pretty good report.

Sam has been on the nasal cannula for over 2 1/2 weeks now and is doing great. He's still having his desat and brady episodes (less than before), but over all, he's on the right path. I walked in on Monday (or was it Tuesday?) to find him off the cannula breathing room air! The nurse just wanted to do a little test to see how he'd do. He proved to be a bad ass. He's back on the cannula, but hopefully in the near future, he will be able to try out room air again.

After he managed to rip out the feeding tube from his mouth AGAIN, the nurse decided to put it through his nose. He definitely seems more comfortable with this. However, it causes him to make weird sounds. He's somewhere between a snorting pig and a honking goose and it's a total hoot. He sounds like he should be in France rooting around in the forest for truffles. Might be kinda cool and profitable to teach him to do that! We love us some truffles!

Probably the most fun thing that's happened in the last week has been bath time! We've done sponge baths and full on baths. Jr. was so cute stripped down in the little basin. At first, he seemed alarmed when submerged in the water. He cried a bit then was like, "Ohhhhhhh! I remember how it feels to be in warm water! Cool!" He totally loved it. I washed his hair and got all the little crevices. Crevices are good. Means he's gaining weight and getting those little baby rolls. Speaking of weight, our little chubbster is 4lbs 14oz as of this morning. I remember being so excited when he busted 3 lbs, then 4. Now, 5 is just around the corner!

Little dude's star continues to rise. We were asked to participate in yet another video. This one is an orientation video for the NICU. It will go on the hospital's website and YouTube channel. I will definitely post that when it comes out.

Last week, Sam started a little recreational breast feeding. It's exactly how it sounds. He was just messin' around on there. While I held him, the lactation consultant squeezed a few drops into his mouth (Yes, someone else was operating my boob). He smacked his lips and decided it was pretty tasty, so we put him on the boob. Amazingly, he started to get the hang of it all. He doesn't quite have the suck/swallow/breathe thing down, so he does what he needs to, which is suck for a bit, pause to swallow and catch his breath, recover and start again. Pretty good for a newbie to the booby. He's doing even better this week. The lactation consulted called him very motivated. LOL! At times, I'll think he's done, so I start to move the boob out of his mouth and he attacks me like the honey badger attacks a snake (learn about the honey badger here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg ) . He's almost in a panic, like he fears it'll be his last boob (early development of a feeling I'm sure most males have). So, he gets back on and goes to town. You should see him kill a pacifier. This kid is going to be a breastfeeding expert in no time.

The biggest news by far this week is Sam's graduation to the step down nursery! It's called the IICN or intermediate intensive care nursery. They don't deal with CPAPS and ventilators down there. I was excited, but scared as the nurses prepared for Sam's departure from the NICU. They got his isolette hooked up to portable monitors and an oxygen tank, loaded up his chart and other pertinent records and we were off. There was something in seeing his isolette rolled out of the NICU. I felt proud and happy to be taking such a step forward with him. I was also nervous to leave the the familiar confines of the NICU and the wonderful nurses that literally kept him alive. They became our family and I was sad to leave them.

We made our way downstairs. When we arrived, I was kinda creeped out by the eery quiet down there. Not nearly at chaotic as the NICU. The lights were low. There weren't as many dinging machines constantly going off. I later discovered there's a different kind of noise in there. It's due to having older babies whose lungs are stronger, who let you know when they are HUNGRY, or wet, etc. One baby will start crying, then all at once, they all chime in for a huge, collective WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Kinda like a bunch of dogs getting going when they hear a fire truck. It's pretty damn funny!

Things are definitely more laid back in the IICN. Unlike the NICU, we don't have to ask permission for alot. We can go in, take his temp, change his diaper, his clothes. We even take him out of the isolette on our own and just get our cuddle on. I'll get settled in to breast feed on my own. They like for the parents to take charge and just care for their child. We're still learning alot and it's kinda neat that we get to practice on a real baby knowing we have expert help at the ready. Hopefully, by the time we take him home, we'll have alot of stuff down and won't be quite so terrified.

Went back for the early afternoon feeding and got to help move Sam into an open air crib! PRISON BREAK!!! It's soooo cool to be able to look in on him without the thick plastic separating us. Yet another milestone reached! I also fed him by bottle for the first time. He did a great job, taking nearly half the feeding by bottle. He managed to not choke himself once! Impressive!

Lately, it's been tough coming to terms with how this all went down. I found myself looking at some pictures of Sam the first week he was with us. Seeing him so tiny and fragile literally causes me physical pain. I find myself feeling so robbed. I missed out on the whole birth experience. I wasn't there for Sam. It should've been the most amazing moment of my life, filled with joy. I remember my discharge summary noted "viable male infant" delivered. Viable. Why did that send chills down my spine when I read it? How close were we to something far worse? My wise friend, Cherie, said the birth is like a wedding. Yes, it's a spectacular, wonderful event, but what really counts are the days and years to follow. Makes total sense and I know this, but I'm still having a hard time. And really, would it have been better if I'd been conscious? I was sick with fear on the way to deliver him and when they began to put me under. He would've been whisked away. I wouldn't have gotten to hold him. I probably would've been a wreck just wondering if they could save him.

Last week, I pulled into the parking lot so exhausted. I sat in my car and cried realizing I was about to walk through those hospital doors for about the 150th time since Sam's birth. I will try to focus on all of Sam's achievements. No more ventilator. No CPAP. No isolette. No brain bleeds. No NEC. He smiles now. It melts my heart. He makes me laugh. Sometimes, I want to hold him so tightly, I fear popping his little head right off. He's gaining weight right on target. He poops like a champ. He's my boy and he's going to be fine. We are going to have a wonderful life together.

A special thanks to my sweet Alice, who walked this path before me. You've been my touchstone and sounding board through all this. Even though being there for me may cause you to re-live your tough times with your little boy, you have never wavered in your support. I love you so much.

Tammara, your pulled pork rocked! I had to skip the cole slaw. Jr. already has enough gas to heat a small village :-P

And to my Brunch Bunch, thank you so so much for the lovely baby shower last week. I so enjoyed celebrating Sam with you. Michele, you and your stellar organizational skills are much appreciated!

We're in the home stretch now. 9 weeks down. Hopefully only 4-6 more until our baby love is home with us.

8 Weeks Old!

Yes, it's true. Our little man came crashing into the world 8 weeks ago. He started at 1lb 13 oz and is now 4lb 3oz! Here he is today with one of his primary nurses, Brigid. A dose of cuteness for the day :)

Father's Day

Feels like a looong time since I last posted. It's been another crazy week. One where I felt like time was always getting away from me. Well, this always happens. This past week was just particularly bad.

Sam has had ups and downs in the last 9 days, but is still doing great. The sprinting experiment failed. He did really well for a while, but his little lungs just pooped out. He was placed back on CPAP solely to give him time to recover. The doc decided to try again yesterday, 3 hours on, 3 off. He's doing much better this time and his time on the cannula has been upped to 6 hours. Way to go, Sammy!

I pointed out a little baby to Steve the other night. She was 2lbs 11oz at birth. I can't believe Sam weighed almost a pound less than her when he was born!!! Still blows my mind. Especially since our little dude just busted FOUR POUNDS!!! Yes, indeedy! Our boy is growing like a weed!

Little man had his first eye exam on Friday. This was mainly to check for any unusual growth of the vessels, which can cause retinal detachment. Did I tell you this already? Forgive me if I'm repeating myself. Anyhoo, the eyes all of a sudden scream, "Oh crap! I'm suppose to be seeing now! I gotta make these blood vessels grow!" The vessels can grow too quickly and thickly and pull on the retina. Bam. Blindness. The doctors are hyper vigilant about this and will check his eyes every week. If the unusual growth occurs, a tiny laser will be used to cauterize the vessels to halt growth. This may cost Sam a tiny bit of peripheral vision. Friday's check showed nothing unusual at this point. Yay! We'll see how he does next week.

Sam's eye's have been puffy for a while and some redness appeared. A culture was done, which came back positive for MRSA, a type of staph infection that's resistant to many antibiotics. The contamination level is rated 1-4. Sam's was a 1. Half the population has MRSA growing on them, so not all that unusual, but like any infection, can be bad for those with compromised immune systems. They aren't even sure if it's a true positive because the bacteria itself could've come from Sam's face, not his eye. Or it could be someone or something that touched him. Our concern was the infection traveling to other parts of his tiny body. All his bloodwork was unremarkable and showed absolutely no signs of infection or inflammation, so it's definitely localized to the eye. He's getting antibiotic eye drops in both eyes and a special ointment in one eye. His eyes looked so much better today. Perfectly normal, which you can see in the above pics. 2 infectious disease docs came by today and said he looked fantastic and they saw no need for additional work ups. Despite there being no cause for alarm, hospital policy dictates Sam be placed in isolation and will most likely remain there for 7-10 days. We are required to wear gowns and gloves when we visit. Unfortunately, we will have to cancel all visitors for the time being. We actually like that he's in solitary. It's less noisy and less risk of germy germs from other people coming in! And really, he's a famous baby. He should get a private room, right? :)

Speaking of being famous, Sam may have to get an agent any day now. He and I were recruited to be in a hospital training video about the importance of skin-to-skin contact aka kangaroo care. Now, every nurse in the NICU is going to see our little peanut!

Is it Father's Day or Fathers Day?

In some ways, I've really been looking forward to this day. In some ways not. I've purposely tried not to think about my Dad too much since Jr. was born. Too much highly emotional stuff to handle all at once. Then a couple of weeks ago, the Grandma of Sam's girlfriend across the way asked if she could say a prayer for Sam. Of course, we said yes. She joined us at his bedside and started a long prayer. When she got to the part about angels watching over him, I had a vision of my Dad standing over Jr.'s isolette. It wasn't one of those times where I felt him, like he was in the room and I could touch him. It was more like I was at a distance observing and saw him there. He was leaning over the bed as though he just wanted to make sure our little guy was okay. He was wearing his grey Addidas sweatpants with the black stripes down the side, his slippers and a white v-neck t-shirt like the ones he used to wear under his work shirts or at home when lounging. I wasn't afraid or alarmed. I felt comforted that he came to me in such a gentle way.

Afterwards, on the way to my car, something intoxicatingly fragrant hit my nose. I looked around and saw large beds of jasmine blooming. I wondered how I never smelled it before. It didn't all just bloom overnight. Then I recalled how much my Dad loved jasmine. He grew it at our house in San Jose when we were young, but could never get it to grow in Daly City. I had told Steve when we had the space, I wanted to plant some in my Dad's honor. It was kinda like my Dad shook me and reminded me not to let life's little pleasures and blessings pass me by while we are in the midst of all this madness. Now, instead of trying not to think of him, lest my head explode, I inhale the scent of the jasmine deeply every time I enter and exit the hospital, think of my Pop and smile. Every single day.

Sam got his Daddy a few things for Father's Day! I swear, that boy is so resourceful! He got a little "I <3 Daddy" onesie, some gummy bacon and a hard back cover of Go the F*ck to Sleep! Score! After our morning visit with the boy, we walked across the street for brunch at California Cafe. We sat outside, enjoyed a good meal and observed the families there. There was a little boy who was so proud to be shoving a straw up his nose. I completely cracked up and thought how we would be saying, "Hey! Cut that out!", to Sam before we know it as he tries the same tricks. I can't wait until Sam is big and strong enough to be a complete knucklehead who publicly embarrasses us!

Watching Steve become more a father each day has been one of the greatest joys of my life. My heart swelled when he said to his son, "Because of you, I get to be a Daddy." Crap. Here come the tears again.

I have got to give a shout out to all the peeps that have kept us fed as of late! Debbie, Kevin, Christina, The Yummys & Michael, you guys rock! Renee, a special thanks to you for your visit and all those you've recruited to pray for us. Dan, Wandah and Debbie thanks for coming by as well. Sam is happy to know he is so adored by so many wonderful people. Shauna, a HUGE thanks to you for getting our registry together. I was feeling completely overwhelmed. The thought of handling that on my own literally made me burst into tears. Tracy, thanks for the assist!

A special birthday wish to an angel named Ashlee. We love you, girl! Can't wait to see you next month! And Happy Birthday to Jo Jo! Tell him Martz #12 is doing great!

To all my loved ones out there missing your Dads today, my heart is with each and every one of you.

Look, Ma! No CPAP!

The little dude continues to improve this week after such a scare. His bloodwork is no longer showing signs of infection and he just seems more like himself. Yesterday's tummy x-ray wasn't completely normal, but definitely better than when this all began.

I arrived in the NICU yesterday morning to find Sam on a nasal cannula! What a wonderful surprise! I was so happy and so proud, I just burst into tears. I love being able to see his face. And he's no longer sporting the do rag that helps keep the CPAP on. I felt his soft hair under my chin while we cuddled. Divine.

He's getting breast milk again in small quantities. We think the combination of this and the nasal cannula was alot of change for him to handle all at once. He had some episodes of desaturation and bradycardia (he hasn't had a brady in quite a while), so they are sprinting him, meaning 4 hours on the cannula, 4 on CPAP until he's ready to ditch the CPAP for good.

Samuel is 3lb 8 1/2 oz!! I'm giving him that half ounce. He worked hard for it. He definitely looks like a little baby now and I don't quite feel like I'm going to break him when I hold him now.

Since the boy is rebounding, he's begun receiving members of his fan club once again. He was very happy to meet Auntie Lamya :)

I had my 6 week check with my OB today. She was on maternity leave when everything hit the fan. She has been with us through all the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant. She would've been back in time to deliver Sam. It was very good to see her. However, when I was called in to the weigh station, I just lost it. I was thinking I should be on that scale giddy to see how huge I'm getting. Instead, I was sad to not be pregnant, not protecting Sam from all his struggles. I also checked out the wall of pics of the docs with their patient's newborns. Sam should be up there with Dr. Shin. Sad again. Doc said some things that made me feel a little better, that I did not fail my son. She pointed out all the things I did do right that gave him the grit to get this far and do so well. HOTY has been wonderful, trying to reassure me of this as well. Thanks, honey. I love you :)

In an effort to feel a little better about myself, I've decided to do things like comb my hair and buy clothes that fit. I need to wear button down shirts to facilitate the skin-to-skin cuddling, but my knockers are busting out of most of my button downs. Dayna took me for a pedicure yesterday. My last one was the week before Sam was born, so, 7 weeks ago. I'm sure you can imagine how wrecked my toes looked. The polish had grown out so far, I had a weird, purple french manicure. Not being so haggard helps my disposition somewhat.

I will also get back to nesting, ensuring things are ready to go around here when our little guy comes home. And, hey, maybe I'll actually finish our registry. Man. So much stuff has fallen by the wayside. Sam's improvements and the sunny weather have me feeling hopeful today. Hope that feeling lasts.

Sunday is NOT a Day of Rest!

Apparently, Sam likes to act a fool and have his biggest troubles on Sundays. Shortly after posting Sunday's blog entry about his great progress, I headed to the hospital and was informed he was running a fever and had a spike in his heart and respiration rates. Also, his tummy girth had increased. There was concern he may have some kind of infection. An x-ray of his abdomen was ordered. It showed some dilation of the intestines and some soft markers for a condition called necrotizing entracolitis aka NEC. It's as scary as it sounds. This is when bacteria in the intestine attacks the walls, causing perforation, which could allow all that bacteria to enter the abdominal cavity. Also, parts of the intestine can start to die and those parts must be surgically removed. It is often fatal. I was on the verge of tears most of the day pondering all this.

Bloodwork later indicated a definite infection, though they could not determine where it originated. Sam was started on wide spectrum antibiotics and a follow up xray was ordered a few hours later. That xray looked a little better in that the markers for NEC were no longer there. Our nurse practitioner was pretty certain it wasn't NEC. We breathed a sigh of relief, but knew Sam wasn't out of the woods. Something was still definitely wrong. We'd noticed the previous day he was fussier. Sunday morning, I could tell he wasn't himself. I looked into his eyes and he seemed to be telling me he wasn't feeling well. It made my heart ache. Poor little guy.

In the evening, a nice nurse discovered Sam had a motherlode of boogers (clinical name-nasal discharge!) in his tiny nose. She softened them up with saline solution and suctioned them out. Sam was momentarily pissed, but the boogerectomy had him feeling much better afterwards and his breathing showed marked improvement. We finally left after our 15 hour stint feeling a little encouraged seeing him rest comfortably

He did even better yesterday. The nurses were alerted to be on booger watch and make sure he's clear. He was on 30% oxygen in the morning. By 2 pm, the pressure on the CPAP was lowered to 5 (the lowest it can go) and he was on 24% oxygen. Pretty kick ass!

The poor little guy has had 3 IVs put in since Sunday. They don't last very long due to his veins being so delicate. Sometimes multiple attempts to get them in properly are needed. He screamed bloody murder at the first attempt on Sunday. I gave him his pacifier for the 2nd and it definitely helped. The nurse also put a few drops of a sugary solution in his mouth with the binky and he did great. Just like a kid to be so easily distracted by candy. Anyhoo, his PIC line was reinserted last night. He will get all his meds and nutrition through this line and it lasts much longer than an IV.

Little dude had his 2nd lumbar puncture since his arrival to check for meningitis. Thankfully, that was negative too.

Perhaps the antibiotics are kicking in. He just looks better. When serious infections and the like strike, respiratory function is generally diminished. The fact that he's been so stable in that regard is fabulous. During this morning's check in with the night nurse, she advised he remained on 24% oxygen overnight and did really well. He may soon graduate to a nasal cannula. Yesterday's bloodwork looked great. Signs of infection have diminished, but antibiotics will be continued.

So, another crazy few days. Now, we watch and wait.