Angel

Thursday night, I got the call that the daughter of one of our close NICU buddies was not expected to make it through the night. I knew that she had troubles, but I was so not expecting this. Friday morning, I got word from her Mom that she made it through and seemed to be stable. I hoped it was the miracle we all prayed for. I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. When I got there, her parents were at her bedside and their beautiful girl, Nanu, was already deteriorating. She wasn't going to make it.

We became very close to Nanu's parents as well as the parents of little Santiago. We walked the walk together, supported and consoled one another during some of the scariest times of our lives. We called our babies the Three Amigos and the Three Musketeers. We were bonded for life. We talked about how our children would grow up together and we'd recall how we'd been to war together. We knew we'd all get to the other side and all the fear and pain our babies and we suffered would be a distant memory. How could this have happened? My heart is aching and I just can't come to terms with this.

Instead of shutting down, Nanu's parents allowed me and others to spend Nanu's final hours at her bedside. What a show of grace under such terrible circumstances. It was a privilege and an honor I will never forget. Precious girl. She opened her eyes and looked right at her Mommy when her name was called. She held my finger. She was beautiful. This little girl touched so many lives and that was evident yesterday. So many came by to sit with her. Doctors and nurses on their days off came in. Nurses from other units came in. It was such a beautiful display of love and kindness. At 4:15, I said good bye to Nanu. By 5, our raven-haired angel, our tiniest Musketeer, was gone.

This morning, I am still reeling. I can't even comprehend the searing, devastating pain our friends are feeling. Whatever I imagine it to be, it has to be far worse. Please keep them and their family in your thoughts and prayers. I just don't know how anyone moves on from this.

Nanu, sweet girl, you are forever enmeshed in our hearts. Sam will know you were his friend. We will never, ever forget you. You are so, so loved.

Lottery, Hear My Cry!

I'm sure these words or something similar have been screamed by mothers everywhere returning to work. I cannot even tell you how much it has sucked having to leave Sam. I miss him so much through the day and rush to get home to him. I've got just about 3 weeks back under my belt now and it hasn't gotten any easier being away from him. If things had gone as planned, I'd be back at work when he's about 5-6 months old and routines are somewhat established. Returning when his adjusted age is just a few weeks old makes things difficult. Until my winning-the-lottery plan works out, I'll just have to deal. In the meantime, knowing Sam is in trusted hands gives us great peace. There's no need to call or text every 5 minutes to see what's going on. We know it's all good and he's being loved to bits.

We've had some success getting him to sleep for extended periods of time through the nite. Two words - bath time! I try to feed him between 9:30-10 and bathe him afterwards. The bath gets him good and chill. We've been able to put him down when he's still awake, but drowsy. He'll drift off and sleep for 4-5 hours. In order for me to make it to work on time, I need for him to wake up between 3:30 and 4. He gets his boob time, topped off with a bottle, then a fresh diaper. He generally will go right back to sleep when I put him back down. Even at his young age, he realizes no one should have to be awake at 5 am!!! I then get all his bottles ready for the day, measure out his medications, then get ready for work and head on out. I get about 4 hours of sleep on work nights. Back in the day, I would have been wrecked, but somehow, my body has compensated. I used to be caffeine free, but now, on work days, caffeine is KING. I have a grande something or another in the morning to get a lil pep in my step.

I still feel like I'm operating with half a brain these days. My biggest faux pas seems to be pumping and/or breast feeding and forgetting to pull my shirt back over my bra before presenting myself to the outside world. Duh. The first weekend I was back at work, I walked into the break room to put something in the fridge, passing some security dude in there. Went in the bathroom and realized my tank top was still down and my bra was in full view. Way to go!!! GAH! Get it together, woman!

One thing we've learned is sometimes, babies just go through phases where they're off kilter and it doesn't mean a thing. Sam was eating like a rock star. I was sure he was going through a growth spurt. Then it didn't seem like he was eating enough. After having those concerns, he gained over a pound in less than 2 weeks, so he's ahead of the curve and doing great! On Monday, he weighed in at 11 lb 3 oz! What a bruiser!

Sam continues to be a party animal! He attended Oktoberfest at his buddy Franklin's place, went to a baby shower and another birthday party. He also attended his first wine tasting last week. Southern Rhone wines. Had to be French, of course :-P Despite the half brain, we seem to be getting better and better at getting him out of the house without forgetting too much of his stuff. He requires SO MUCH STUFF. Whether at home or on the go, seems we are laden with baby gear. We now own a swing, a bouncy seat and a Mamaroo. Funny thing is he doesn't seem to prefer one over the other. And he's okay with putting him in one of them if he's already calm, but if he's screaming, strapping him into one of those devices does NOT calm him down. He will scream his fool head off until we fetch him. His favorite place to sleep is still on our chests. It rocks my world to be cuddling with him and feel his heartbeat on my chest. He's finally gotten used to his co-sleeper and even sleeps in his moses basket on occasion. In order for him to sleep soundly (when he's not on us), he MUST be swaddled. Otherwise, he'll start flailing his arms and wake himself up. Sometimes, when swaddled, he has a way of busting out like the Hulk. We have a little velcro swaddler thingy that goes with one of his sleep sacks. We now use that over his jammies like a little straight jacket and it works like a charm.

One of the absolute best things we've experienced these days is Sam's smile! On his 5 month birthday on Tuesday, Steve and I were playing with him and I asked him, "Who's been on this earth for 5 whole months?!" He gave us the hugest smile! What an awesome moment! He's tracking things pretty well these days and locking his gaze with ours more often. He also likes to grab stuff, like my hair. So far, he seems to be right on track developmentally.

Oh! I almost forgot! We attended the NICU graduation party! It was so cool to be able to see some of the folks that helped Sam get where he is. Every day we hold our son, we are forever grateful to the folks at Packard. We got word yesterday that one of his former roommates that arrived in June lost his battle last weekend. It is still so devastating to hear this news and makes us so sad. Sam is a true Miracle. We will never forget how easily things could've gone the other way. We are so incredibly lucky to be blessed with this beautiful little nugget who continues to thrive.

I hope this post finds you all well! Happy Friday!

Adventures in Parenting

So, I'm finally coming up for air! I intended to post an update on our first 24 hours at home. Then it became 48 hours, and, well, here I am 3 weeks later. It has been a wonderful, tiring, happy time in the Team Martz household. We are so thrilled to have Sam home and be able to see his angel face all day and all night. He is such a sweet boy and we are thoroughly smitten. Even when he's screaming, which he only seems to do for us. So far, when we have visitors, he's perfectly behaved. He will start screaming about 5 minutes after guests leave pretty much without fail. Little booger. The transition has actually been quite easy except for the lack of sleep (minor, right?). We were handling so much of his care at the hospital, we really felt well prepared to take care of him at home. So far, we troubleshoot pretty well.

The doctors told us how preemies thrive once home and that has been so true. Sam is getting HUGE and busting out of some of his newborn clothes already. He's about 9 1/2 pounds now. Can you believe that??? I still find myself getting very emotional at times. Especially in the middle of the night during quiet times. One night, around 3am, I gazed down at him and marveled at what a big boy he's become. I teared up thinking where he started, a teeny 1lb 13oz. It hardly seems possible he could survive, but here he is.

I was going through a folder last night that we brought home from the hospital and came across a detailed discharge summary. Sam's first 110 days on this earth were summarized in 7 short pages. There were details about the delivery. Stuff Steve and I had never known. I read it and was totally sad and unnerved. When Sam was born, he was barely alive. His heart rate was 60. After 1-2 minutes of positive pressure ventilation, it was still in the 60s. He was intubated and his heart rate finally climbed to 100 after 5 minutes. Was it a blessing that I was under? Those would've been 5 excruciating minutes. When I told Steve about this, I could see he was bothered too. He said he was outside the operating room waiting for his son to come out and he might not have. He could've been called in to say good bye. Being out cold, I could've missed his entire life. I can't imagine finally coming to and being told he was gone. :::sigh::: I still can't believe we've come so far. We are having such a blast learning all about this little cherub. Our lives are already so much richer with him in it. He's here. He's doing great. I've got to find a way to let the past go.

Anyhoo, back to the report. The first night home was interesting. We had Sam in the co-sleeper right next to us. The problem was we couldn't sleep because every little sound and rustle kept us awake. There were lots of them. We think he just wasn't used to all the quiet darkness. We started playing music and leaving the lights on low and that seemed to help. It helped him, anyway. We still weren't getting much sleep. We decided to care for him in shifts, which enables us both to get a few solid hours at different times. This seems to be working at the moment, but we'll have to come up with plan b, when Steve returns to work. Oh, right. That's TODAY. So, now we're both pretty much on 24 hour duty and both exhausted. I did manage to give Jr. a bath this afternoon, throw him in the swing, then hop in the shower. I am currently inhaling a sandwich as I type. First food today.

On night 2, Steve and I snipped off each other's hospital bracelets that gave us access to the nursery and shared a toast. Sam was home!

Then, calamity. It was all the usual stuff. Pee EVERYWHERE (over my shoulder and all over the floor). Spit up all over me. A blow out diaper. Wooo weee! That kid had me hoppin'! He seems to be taking aim with his pee pee now, but his aim isn't very good. One night, he manged to pee on his own face. LOL!

Sam had been doing really well recovering from his hernia surgery, but at the close of his first week home, his belly button incision became inflamed. The triage nurse recommended bringing him into urgent care. Steve had all kinds of meat on the smoker, so I packed Sam up for our first solo adventure in the car. He was out like a light as soon as the car started moving. Anyhoo, there was definitely an infection, so I dropped him off at home, then headed to the 24 hour pharmacy in Mountain View for antibiotics. Over the course of a few days, it was definitely getting better. Less redness and swelling. Now, it seems to be getting worse again, so we'll see what the doctors pull out of their hat this time.

We've been out and about a few times. Our first big outing was to wish our friends, the Baiamontes, a fond farewell as they high tailed it out of the Bay Area. They were a whole 2 or 3 miles away. Then we ventured to Maddux Park in Redwood City for Miss Makenna's birthday party. All went smoothly until we stopped for diapers on the way home. Sam completely lost his sh*t while Daddy was in the store, so I stuck a boob in his mouth in the car and that did the trick. We had dinner at the Yummy's and that went pretty smoothly. We've had our usual wine and cheese fests on the patio, so we're doing a pretty good job so far of incorporating the wee one into our routine.

This past weekend, we hit little cousin Jenna's 1st birthday bash. Had a mishap of sorts on the way. I forgot to put nursing pads in my bra. Yeah, I know. Living dangerously! We were running late and less than a half mile from the house when I sprung a leak on the right side. Too late to turn back. I took some of the tissue paper from Jenna's present and shoved it in my bra. That wasn't working so well. I shoved a cloth diaper in there and that did the trick. Sexy. Whatever would I do about the big wet spot on my dress? Well, I took it off and put it out the window. It was dry in about 3 minutes. Gotta get creative sometimes, right?

That same evening had dinner with our NICU buddies, the Boosts, Reinhard, Michelle and little Anton. We joked that the boys were all, "Oh hey! NICU, right?" Anton was born term a couple of weeks before Sam. He's so cute and so engaged. He smiles right at you. He laughs. It was so cool to get a preview of what Sam will soon be doing.

We rounded out the weekend with a fun Labor Day get together at Auntie Dayna's. Sam has enjoyed all the festivities and has traveled well!

I'm happy to say I've lost weight since Sam came home! Thing is, it's because I often don't have time to eat!!! The day will nearly be over and I'll remember, "Oh yeah, food." On that note, HUGE thanks to all who have fed us recently, the Smiths, Bree, Sophia and Bruce, Kris. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone! I seem to forget a lot more these days. Baby brain in full effect.

Oh! We've really enjoyed going for walks around Crescent Park these days. We usually head out right after Jr. has eaten so he snoozes in the stroller. We meandered through one of the Palo Alto community gardens. A nice couple gave us some fresh green beans which we had for dinner. Delish. The weather has been perfect and getting fresh air has been awesome. It's really easy to let the whole day slip away without even getting outside, so the walks have been fantastic.

You know what the scariest thing on earth is?? Cutting a baby's fingernails!!! Oh my God. I was so scared I was going to lop something off. His little nails are razor sharp though and he was scratching himself, so I had to give him a little mani. Filed them and everything.

We had our first family photo shoot last Friday. The pic above was taken right after Sam crapped all over my shirt. Um, that part was cropped out. Our photographer got some beautiful shots of Sam. She has such a great eye. If you ever need photos done, she's your gal. In addition to being crazy talented, she's just such a warm and lovely human being who considers it such a privilege to document these beautiful little lives. Check out her website, www.picturekidz.com . Btw, for the smaller pictures below, click on the photo for full viewing, then click again to reduce.

Sam should be screaming for food any minute now, so I must go. Good catching up with you!

What a Wonderful World!

Hey peeps! I write to you tonite with a heart so full of happiness, it might just bust. Our sweet boy came home today! Jr. passed his car seat test with flying colors on Saturday, so we waited for word from the doc this morning whether Sam would be sprung today or Monday. When I called in for the morning update and got the news, I was stunned. He's coming home? Seriously?? We sprung into action, putting the finishing touches on the casa, got the hoopty washed and headed to the hospital. We were so excited. Giddy even! It didn't seem real that we were going to bring our boy home.

We arrived to find Jr. hungry and poopy. I changed his diaper then removed all his leads. Wireless, baby! I handed him to Steve to feed and found myself still making accommodations for all the wires. Steve had to remind me they weren't there. Oh yeah. It felt so strange. Anyhoo, we got him fed, dressed him up in the Team Martz uniform and got him set in his car seat. We said our goodbyes to the nurses in the intermediate care nursery and signed out for the last time. Woooo hooooo!

We headed up to the NICU to say goodbye to Bridget, Sam's first primary nurse. She was all smiles and hugs for Sam. We also saw nurse, Caroline Lamont. For those of you that know my parents, yes, that's her name! She always calls Sam Lamont. I told her it was quite alright, as I'm sure my Dad would too :) Oh! The other night, I ran into one of Sam's primary nurses in the NICU on the night shift, Alice. She was in the delivery room when Sam was born, so she holds a special place in our hearts. She was transporting a baby to the step down nursery when I was on my way out for the night, so I was able to get a picture of her with Sam when she was finished up. Seeing her really reminded me of the early days with Sam when he was so tiny and fragile and we weren't sure he'd make it. How things have changed. Our little man has come a long way.

During the past few months, we've become close to 3 families all fighting the good fight for their babies. You may remember me mentioning Sinthia, Sonny and Santiago before. Santiago and Sam were partners in crime in all kinds of shenanigans in the NICU. The innocent bystander was Nanu, daughter of Narayani and Karthik. She was the 3rd of the 3 Amigos. We have been there for each other during some of the scariest times of our lives and have loved and supported each other through it all. Well, we headed out the front entrance of Packard, Steve was off to get the car and who's moseying in? Narayani, Karthik and Naryani's parents who have been visiting from India since Nanu made her appearance. We embraced and squealed excitedly. It was plain to see they were as thrilled as we were that Sam was being sprung.

A couple minutes later, I spotted Sinthia walking up the driveway. Steve pulled the car up and couldn't believe it! He thought I had orchestrated the whole thing, but I didn't. Everything just cosmically aligned to create the perfect send off for Sam. We were always trying to visit each other between procedures, feedings and pumpings and it was HARD, so we couldn't have planned this perfect moment if we'd tried. It made Sam's farewell to Packard that much sweeter to have these wonderful friends with us who have been with Jr. from the start. I'm smiling right now thinking about it.

Funny, it felt like we were on a covert mission, sneaking Sam out. I was half expecting someone yell out, "You, with that baby! STOP!!", but we passed the exit gate without incident. Our journey had begun. We'd be home in 10 minutes.

We arrived home to find Auntie Maggie and Uncle Frank waiting for us. They filmed us coming in to mark the occasion and took lots of pics. We then proceeded to do what we do best. We had a little wine, cheese and tasty treats on the patio with Sam! He was perfectly behaved and oh so comfy with Maggie, who's given Jr. the moniker Snugglepants. LOL! Love it!

Thank you so much to every single one of you that lent love and support these past 3 months. It meant more to us than we can ever express. We look forward to sharing the joy of raising our son with you all.

I'm sitting here watching my boys snooze. And snore. It is indeed a wonderful world :) This is our favorite lullaby as of late. I heard it awhile ago and it brought me to tears thinking how much wonderful our world is with Sam in it. Nite nite all.

Surgery Update

We are happy to report Sam did very well! The surgery went off without a hitch. He was intubated for the procedure, but came out of the anesthesia so well, the tube was taken out and he breathed on his own in stellar fashion. Downside is he was in some pain and would cry in this plaintive, whiny sounding way that broke our hearts. We took turns just holding him until well after 12:30. It really seemed to comfort him. The nurse sent us home when it was evident we were struggling to stay awake. We hated leaving him, but felt better that he ate small amounts twice before we left. I just checked in with the night nurse and he's now close to being up to full feeding again. He also seems to be less irritable. Way to go, Sam!

Btw, Sam is back in the NICU as a precaution, but should be back in the step down nursery this afternoon since he's doing so well.

Thank you all SO MUCH for all the texts, emails and phone calls of support. I just know Sam was feelin' the love!

We Are Team Martz!

This week has been good and bad. Sam failed his car seat test AGAIN. :::sigh::: He made it 15 minutes without a desat the first time. This time, 20 minutes. Man! We could tell his reflux was kicking in, then the desat came shortly thereafter. The doc thinks it's positional, as the car seat is compressing his gut. We will try some positional aids to help him achieve success next time. But first.....

Sam is having his hernia surgery today at 4pm, so keep him in your thoughts. It should be a pretty quick procedure. He'll most likely be back upstairs in the NICU for a day or two to recover, then we can focus on busting him outta the joint again.

Steve and I celebrated our first anniversary on Sunday! What a great day it was. We had a fantastic brunch at the Village Pub, the site of our wedding reception. It was fun to reminisce about the day and how wonderful everything turned out. I wish we could do it all again :)

There was a family at the next table celebrating grandma's 70th birthday. They'd brought a cake that had 70 freakin' candles on top of it. The staff lit 'em up and brought it out. It was a complete fire ball. If the waiter hadn't had short hair, he would've been up in smoke for sure. Amazingly, grandma was able to blow them all out in one shot.

The plan after brunch was to see Cowboys and Aliens. We know our movie-going opportunities will be slim in the future. However, we were missing our boy and headed straight to the hospital. We had bath time, which has become one of our favorites. I'm really getting the hang of it and not feeling quite as clumsy bathing him these days. Again, I was thankful I was getting to practice before going it alone at home. Steve has become a most excellent bath time assistant. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's back at work and I'm trying to do it on my own! Unless Jr. is particularly funky, maybe bath time should always be a job for Mommy AND Daddy.

Afterwards, we went home and had the top layer of our wedding cake. I was VERY excited, since our best man, Erik ate mine (BOTH PIECES!!) at the wedding. Thanks dude! LOL! The cake had been in the freezer for a year. Guess what? It tasted like it had been in the freezer for a year. BLEH! We should've wrapped it up better. Such a shame. I snipped some herbs from our garden to decorate it like it was a year ago. It was so pretty! Steve tried to power through and eat a whole piece. I threw in the towel after the 2nd bite. I assured him I believed he would still hold our anniversary date sacred even if he didn't finish the cake. He was glad I let him off the hook. He looked like he was 2 seconds from hurling. We washed the wretched cake down with the 1959 Calvados I got Steve as a wedding gift. Now, THAT, was divine. Smooooove.

We reflected on what a fantastic year Team Martz has had and all we've accomplished. We celebrated our wonderful son and dreamed about all the next year would bring. We can't wait :)

I'll leave you with a little Bill Withers, Ain't No Sunshine, our wedding song. Hope ya'll are having a great week! Send healing vibes to Jr.!

100 Days

Today marks 100 days since Sam made his debut. Feels like a mighty loooooong time.

We were hoping our little man was going to make it home this weekend. Unfortunately, 2 things popped up. First, Jr. has a hernia that will require surgical repair. It'll be done as soon as he can be fit into the schedule. It's not considered urgent and it's common in preemies (how many times have we heard that??), especially in boys.

Second, Sam failed his car seat test today!!! Totally unexpected, he's been doing so great. He has to be in the car seat for 90 minutes without having a desat. Completely caught us off guard. We really thought he was coming home tomorrow. So, we wait some more. Obviously, we want him home with us, but we want to make sure he's ready. Poor kid. It's like he's run a freakin' marathon, the finish line is finally in sight, then someone trips him. :::sigh::: No fair!

On a positive note, there have been some great achievments this past week! Jr's MRI came back clear. YAY! Also, the vessels in his eyes are finally mature and he has no disease. If he has to wear glasses down the line, it won't be because he was a micro preemie. Those eye exams were terrible, so I'm ecstatic he won't have to endure another. Again, YAY! Oh, wait! He also passed his hearing test! Way to go, my boy!

Speaking of hearing, I wonder how much of ours we will lose now that Sam has learned to SCREAM so well. Seriously. I was like, "Wow. Your lungs are FINE." The other day, I arrived in the morning to find Sam in one of his favorite joints, the swing. He was sound asleep. Then he woke with a full on scream. There was no working up to it. No gentle coaxing from me to wake. He simply screamed his fool head off. The really funny part is his eyes were still closed. Apparently, he wanted to use all his energy on the SCREAMING, not on opening his eyes.

Yesterday was comedic. I was trying to change Sam's diaper while he was screeching. I got his diaper off, got him cleaned up and got a new diaper under him. What does he do? He peed all over himself and hits me on the arm. I get him cleaned up again and get another diaper under him. A poop missle appears, misses the diaper and hits his bedding. Dear God, boy! I got him cleaned up AGAIN and wrapped up his butt without further incident. I fell into the chair with him and got him on my boob. I looked around and his little area looked like a tornado hit after my frenzied attempt to do something as simple as change a diaper. Oh, and did I mention he was SCREAMING the entire time all this was going on?? GAH!!! Steve heard him all the way from the front desk. What pipes he has.

There have been so many more funny, little things, but my brain is too fried to recall them at the moment. I need to start writing this stuff down right away, lest, it fall right out of my head.

We've been trying to capture Sam's smile for a while. Isn't it just so sweet? A beautiful pic to commemorate his 100th day with us. We love you, sweetheart!