Santa, you bore me.

Okay, so he wasn't bored. Just in a bit of a milk coma :-P

I thought this Santa was lovely. I later found out a friend of mine flipped him off in the Stanford Shopping Center parking lot after he nearly ran her down in his SUV. Come on now, Santa! Watch where you're goin'!

Sam was 15lb 4oz on Wednesday! He got his second Synagis shot and again it broke my heart to see him scream after he got stuck IN BOTH LEGS :( He clung to me afterwards and I felt just awful. He gets the 2nd half of his flu shot next week. Can a baby catch a break??

Strangely, the Nature Babycare Size 2 diapers are not much bigger than the size 1s. Sam seemed to grow out of them in like a week so, he's in size 3s already!!! Getting big too fast. Can I just keep him this size forever? Though today at work, I saw some tall guys from some sports team and thought of how neat it would be to see how tall Sam becomes. I think he's destined to be a giant.

T.G.I.F.!

Truly Thanksgiving

Last year, at the Thanksgiving table, I was feeling all sorts of little twinges. 2 days earlier, I'd had 2 little embryos placed in me, so I wondered what was percolating down there, hoping at least one hunkered down for the long haul. What a difference a year makes :) This Thanksgiving we made a pilgrimage of sorts back to Portland aka the scene of the crime. The day we stepped off the plane made exactly one year to the day the little embryo that became Sam was transferred to me. It was pretty dang cool to go back with our beautiful boy to show for all our efforts. Sam is thriving. He's strong and we are so in love with him.

The trip up couldn't have been more smooth. We popped into my office so some of my peeps there could meet Sam, then we were off through security. We breezed through the employee checkpoint and were headed up the escalator when I screamed out, "MY PURSE!!!" I ran down the up escalator and my purse was nowhere to be found. I realized I had left it in my office. The TSA folks were kind enough to let me use their phone to call a colleague to bring it down. Way to go, Stace! Anyhoo! Here's Sam on the plane. Doesn't he look comfy? LOL!

From Sam I Am

We boarded the plane with plans to give Sam a bottle on the ascent to help equalize his ears. Well, he started the bottle and was almost finished before we took off. That worked out well :-/ Then he fell asleep and didn't stir on the way up and it was all good. Midway through the flight, he decided he wanted to party, so we played for a bit. As we began our descent into Portland, he fell asleep again. We stayed put while everyone else disembarked. People walking by complimented us on our child and said they couldn't believe they didn't even realize there was a baby on the plane. We puffed up with pride :) Ann picked us up and we were off to enjoy our visit!

We started off our visit much like the previous year's - babysitting Nat and E while Ann and Mike went to Parent/Teacher conferences. Later, I ran a few errands with Ann and my boot decided to fall apart. Yes, you read correctly. The sole of my boot came off in the New Seasons parking lot and I was walking around like a lopsided doofus in the store. On the way back to the car, the rainwater soaked through the bottom to my socks. When I looked more closely, the sole of the other boot was close to coming off too. I hadn't worn these boots in ages and pulled them out thinking they'd be perfect for the trip. How did I not notice they were pieces of crap?? I said, "Um, ANN!!! I need shoes!" We went into Walgreens to try to find something cheap. No dice, so Ann took me to a trendy neighborhood shoe store where I purchased some fabulous, waterproof boots perfect for Portland and a pair of socks. $12 socks. On sale. They were the only socks available so I was SOL. Ann and I could not stop giggling about my ghetto boots whose remains were recycled at the shoe store. Hey, at least my boots didn't fall apart in the airport! That could have been disastrous and even more embarassing! I can't believe I'm about to show you this, but here it goes:

From Sam I Am

That evening, we had the great pleasure of driving a bit outside Portland to have dinner with our dear friends, The Gatlins and our new friend and Sam's maker, Dr. John Hesla of Oregon Reproductive Medicine. Getting there was dicey. I was driving a stick for the first time in years. I managed to get down the long driveway slooooowly. After a few blocks, I was driving like a pro and managed to not burn out the clutch. Woo hoo! Oh yeah, it was POURING (worst rain all year, we were told. Awesome) and I didn't know where I was going. I was terrified I was going to wreck the Kollrack's car. Side note... If you're on the freeway on your way to Warren, OR and see a bustling place called The Tavern and think it might be a good place to stop for a beer..Well, I guess it is a good place, if you want a lap dance to go with said beer. Keep drivin'! Anyway, I digress....We made it to Manny and Marna's and had so much fun! Marna couldn't wait to get her mitts on Sam. We chowed down on her kick ass chicken piccata (served with the most buttery mashed potatoes I've ever had) and shared some fantastic wine. It was such a joy to see Dr. H. What a lovely, sweet man. And there was something very special in seeing him hold Sam (picture above). It just felt like we'd come full circle. Lots o' love in the room. I am always amazed that just when I think we couldn't possibly be more blessed in the friend department, The Gatlins and Heslas of the world come along. Man, we are so, so lucky. It was pretty late when we headed back. The rain had mercifully halted for the time being. We got Sam to sleep in the co-sleeper Ann snagged from a friend and he slept through the night like the rock star baby he is.

We had a blast hangin' with our Portland family. The girls adored Sam and got plenty of cuddles in. For the most part, we did our usual things, which included eating (alot), drinking (eh, alot?), playing games with the girls (Life was the featured game this year) and many grown up games of slightly buzzed Boggle. Ann, being the consummate bartender, fixed me my first martini since my pre-pregnancy days, "Hello, lover. You're delicious and I've missed you.", I said to my cocktail.

From Sam I Am

No one mixes a drink like Annie PK. We also felt it our duty to help Ann and Mike make a dent in the huge ass bottle of scotch Mike had gotten his wife for her birfday. I'm happy and ashamed to say, we met our goal! A good time was had by all.

We enjoyed cooking our Thanksgiving dinner together and being thankful for good friends and an awesome baby. The only downer of the week was Florida losing, Oregon won (keeping Stanford out of the PAC 12 Championship), the Niners lost and my fantasy team lost! Not a good sports week for Team Martz!

The flight back wasn't quite as smooth. Sam didn't to sleep at first and was a bit screamy on the flight. Well, except for when he was mesmerized by the movie playing on the iPad belonging to the guy next to us. He wasn't screamy like crying. It was more like wondering what the heck was going on with his ears. He finally got worn out from all the walking he was doing on our laps and fell asleep shortly before we arrived at SFO. All in all, he did fantastically well. We can only hope future travel will be as easy.We hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots to celebrate.

Let the holiday season begin! We got a tree last week and have yet to decorate it, so that's our goal for the weekend. Our house smells great, but without it being decorated, it just doesn't feel like Christmas is coming, you know? We will be on it this weekend! I leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs, Harry Connick's rendition of This Christmas. Enjoy!

6 Month Check Up

Hello friends! Our boy had his 6 month check on Monday. His doctor is VERY happy with his progress. Sam was a robust 14lb 2 oz, which is in the 75th percentile. Fatty. Apparently he has a tiny noggin though. It's measuring in the 40th percentile. I don't understand how that can be cuz his head looks giant to me. Length is in the 50th. I'm sure that won't last long. Sam continues to sleep through the night. In fact, he's going to bed earlier and still sleeping through until 7 or 8. On my days off with him, I'm actually feeling rested. It's a miracle!

Sam also got his first Synagis shot last week. Um, he did NOT like it. Poor thing. One nurse held his legs down, while I held his arms. Another nurse gave him the shot in his thigh. It was ALOT of fluid going in and took a while to slowly get it in. Sam's face turned red and SCREAMED and cried. I felt like crap, like I was somehow doing it to him. I couldn't scoop him up fast enough when it was over. After some cuddles, he recovered pretty quickly. We had to wait around for 20 minutes to ensure he didn't have an adverse reaction. He didn't. During that wait, I fed him. I put him in the carseat and he was asleep before I made it to the parking lot. Sam will have 4 more shots and they have to be exactly 28 days apart. Next time, it will take 4 people to administer the shot, as the dosage will be increased and divided between 2 syringes. I and another nurse will hold him down, while 2 others nurses will give him separate shots in each thigh. He got more shots at his 6 month check. Poor little guy. It's tough being a baby.

Sam had a wonderful visit with his Grammy! What a joy to be around. I loved watching her interact with Sam. Just observing her showed me ways I could be a better mother. Such an inspiration. We'll look forward to another visit in the spring when Grandpa will come too. He was to come this time, but his recent knee replacement surgery has kept him sidelined. Grandpa sent an AMAZING DVD showing footage of the wedding of Steve's parents and of Steve and his brother, Erik, from birth to age 2. I guess documenting every little step of your child's life is not exclusive to those in the digital age. Good ol' 8mm did the trick back then. It was so neat to see Steve as a baby, with Sam looking so much like him, it's scary. I hardly have any pictures from my childhood and no video, so I cherish the gift Grandpa gave us. It's also a lesson to be more mindful in photographing Sam and shooting video so we can give him the same amazing gift that he can share with his children some day. Thanks, Grandpa. You're the best :)

On my way to work the other day, I felt a sharp pain in my chest, missing my Dad. It's funny how I'll be caught up in the whirling dervish of life and I'm feeling fine. Other days, it'll hit me like a ton of bricks all over again that he's gone and will not get to teach him important stuff like the art of the corny joke....... :::sigh::: I can only imagine the relationship he would've had with Sam. Sam would have had him wrapped around his little finger and my Dad would have enjoyed every minute of it. Of course, I will make sure Sam knows all about him, but it's just not the same.

We've discovered Sam has an awesome sense of humor! Lately, he thinks it's SUPER funny to have a blow out just as we're about to leave the house. There's a onesie of his, the very first item of clothing I bought him, that has Handsome Devil stitched on the front. The first time I put it on him, he threw up all over it on our way out and I had to change him. I put it on him last weekend and asked him to please not hurl all over himself and he agreed. Shortly thereafter, I heard artillery fire in his pants. When I checked him, he'd had a blowout that somehow left his pants clean, but he crapped up the side of his diaper and destroyed the onesie. THANKS, DUDE! I guess he's telling me he just doesn't want to wear that shirt. On Wednesday, I had to take Domino to get her stitches out. I got her in the carrier and into the car. Got Sam loaded up in his car seat and PPPPPPLEBBBBBHHHH. That's the sound of him doing his business. Geez, kid. Can you cut Mom a break?? The executive decision was made to graduate him to size 2 diapers. That seems to have cut down his clothes-destroying fun considerably. I think we've outsmarted him. For now, until his butt gets too big for his size 2s. By the way, it was loads of fun (seriously, it was hilarious!) having Domino and Sam both screaming in the back seat. Sam eventually quieted down. I think Domino's yowling freaked him out.

Check out Sam's latest trick!

Part 1

And Part 2

He got a bit of leverage being on the pillow, but the real deal can't be far behind!

It's already feeling like time with Sam is passing so quickly. Too quickly. The other day, he was in my lap, legs sprawled about, and he seemed like such a big boy. Now, when I'm holding him, it feels more like he's holding me too, as opposed to him just being on me. It's the most amazing feeling. On Thursday night, we were having play time. He likes to stand up, so we were doing a little of that. As he stood on my legs, I sang to him. He was mesmerized by my voice. Kinda funny, because I will never win any singing contests, despite my Rock Band acumen :-P He just looked into my eyes and never broke gaze, so I kept singing. Then I cradled him in my arms and sang some more. He still looked at me, like he wanted me to keep going. I bent down to kiss him. His eyelids fluttered, but he never took his eyes off me. I kept singing then bent to kiss him once more. His eyes closed and he slept soundly. I sang my son to sleep for the first time. Then came the tears. I looked at this little being so peaceful in my arms and wondered if it's possible he knows how deeply I love him. It was a special night.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPER SAM!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Peter, thanks for your AWESOME Photoshopping skills!

Baby of Steel

Check him out! Superman is appropriate, no? :) I made Sam's little cape and sewed it onto the back of his onesie. Am I a mom, or what?! :-P I looked high and low for some blue tights, but no dice. Anyhoo, pretty cute for an impromptu costume.

I'm happy to report Sam continues to sleep through the night. 8 1/2 hours last night! YAY! I got him down a bit earlier last night. He was asleep by 10, which means I got to bed by 11. Still not enough sleep for a work night, but better than the 3 1/2 hours I've been getting lately.

We received word that our insurance has approved Sam to get a series of shots called Synagis through the cold and flu season. It won't keep him from getting sick, but will lessen the effects of respiratory conditions like RSV should he be so unlucky to contract something yucky. The dosage of medication is determined by his weight. We anticipate his first shot being about $1400. He'll get one per month for about 4-5 months. We love you, Blue Shield!!!

I said goodbye to a friend on Tuesday. Okay, not a friend, more like a frenemy. I speak of the hospital grade breast pump I've been doing battle with. Due to Sam's micro preemie status, our insurance covered it for the first 6 months of his life and that time is up. Yes, 6 months have flown by. Anyway, now I have a new friend, a new pump that has all these neat little gadgets like a power cord that plugs into the car's cigarette lighter and a battery pack. You know what that means?? I can pump ON THE GO!!! Why did I not try this thing sooner?? It's life changing. It's so hard to pump at home while taking care of Sam. I do pump at work, but sometimes get distracted by stuff. So, now, my car seems to be the place where I get it done. Yup, my car. It really was a breeze. Staying true to my recent flashing tendencies, my first time pumping in the car, I forgot to put on my hooter hider. I didn't get this until I was half way to work. I tried to steer clear of high profile vehicles, lest those drivers see something that may scar them for life. It really is NOT pretty, but hey, gotta do whatcha gotta do for the bebe. Anyhoo, I always make sure I've got on the proper garb now.

We are having a blast visiting with Grandma who arrived from North Carolina this week! She's in love. Period. On her first full day here, she was already sad about leaving. Sam has been on his best behavior and has impressed her with his many skills such as laughing, talking (in his own way), and general cuteness. As sad as she will be to go, I will be as sad to see her go. Why can't all the people I love all live on a big compound somewhere?? That's my master plan.

If you thought Steve's dress up shenanigans were funny, you must see this. Our boy is a baby gorilla! I howled with laughter seeing him clutch tufts of Steve's hair.

Alrighty, off to make nice with my new friend! See ya!

A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. Emotionally, I'm all over the place. Sam continues to do new things that delight us. Santiago was finally discharged from the NICU after his 6 month stay. Such happy things, yet I'm still feeling profound sadness about Nanu. Her services were on Monday. It was definitely the saddest, most heart breaking thing I've ever seen. A parent burying their child, their baby...There are just no words. She was dressed in a little pink onesie and was wearing a diaper. She looked amazingly beautiful not hooked up to all the lines. You know how babies have that look when they're asleep like they're dreaming about something happy? That's how she looked. Like she might open her eyes any second and smile and laugh at us. I still have an ache in my chest and tears spring to my eyes often. I still can't quite believe this has happened, yet I know it's true.

Sam and I went to the hospital the next day to see Santiago make his escape. I missed Nara, Nanu's mommy. She came to bid Santiago farewell too. I am in awe of her strength and thoughtfulness. I was soooo excited, I was practically jumping out of my skin. When Sinthia and Sonny walked out with him, I literally got chills. I felt the same rush of joy as when Sam went home. Santiago is still on a little oxygen and requires some assistance eating through a tube in his stomach, but he is the hell out of there and away from all the germy, infectious crap hospitals breed. Before we know it, he will be a strong, healthy boy probably putting the WWF smackdown on Sam. Despite being not quite as long as Sam, he's always outweighed him. He has the cutest roly poly arms and legs and long, gorgeous lashes. It was a thrill to see him loaded up in the car and on his way. We will see you soon, little friend.

Thankfully, Steve has returned from his week-long business trip, so I'm no longer single mommin' it. It could be tiring. Not having an extra set of hands to pass him off to to do things like get laundry out of the dryer made for challenges. I'm never truly alone though, as I have Maggie and Frank always at the ready to help and they did. In the midst of all the recent activity, Domino decided to scratch at a cyst on her chest, which now has the potential to become infected. She'll have to be put under to have it removed to the tune of $750-$950. Thanks, cat!! I was suppose to take her to the vet last Friday, but ended up not being able to. Frank took her on Monday and Maggie hung out with Sam while I went to the services. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without those guys.

Our little man is hitting all his milestones on time or early. He's already trying to roll over (he's made it to his side). He likes to do sit ups and REALLY likes to carry on a conversation when the mood strikes him. He's been clasping his hands in front of him for awhile too. The biggest accomplishment by far? Sam is regularly sleeping through the night! YES! You read correctly! As long as we stick to the 4Bs, bottle, bath, book, bed, he is averaging 6 or 7 hours/night. Woooo weeeee! I put him down around 11 last night. He was still snoozin' at 5:30 this morning. I got him up to feed him and change his diaper at 6. By 6:40, he was back down for the count. Pretty impressive for 11 weeks, huh? We are deeply grateful and so happy he's doing spectacularly well.

On that note......Recently, we had renewed hope about me potentially carrying our next child. Losing Nanu has firmly slammed the door shut on that. We are way too terrified of what could happen. Seeing all those tiny little babies in the NICU this past week...I just can't. I would never forgive myself if our next child(ren) had to go through what Sam went through. Maybe he/they wouldn't be as lucky. There's just too much that can go wrong. When the thought of a future pregnancy creeps into my mind, it will be followed by a resounding NO. No way. We are done. So, it's either a gestational carrier for our remaining embryos or Sam will be our one and only and he will be more than enough. I thought I'd feel kind of sad about making this decision, but I'm not. What truly matters is having a healthy baby. The way they make their way into this world so does not matter to me anymore. I like the idea of having a sibling for Sam. When we are gone, they will always have each other. Of course, this is provided one/both/all of them are not crazy and actually like each other. Here's hopin' :)

Here's a little clip of Sam showing off his beautiful smile. Below, is a prime example of what Steve is up to when I'm not around. Click on the photo to maximize, again to minimize. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Angel

Thursday night, I got the call that the daughter of one of our close NICU buddies was not expected to make it through the night. I knew that she had troubles, but I was so not expecting this. Friday morning, I got word from her Mom that she made it through and seemed to be stable. I hoped it was the miracle we all prayed for. I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. When I got there, her parents were at her bedside and their beautiful girl, Nanu, was already deteriorating. She wasn't going to make it.

We became very close to Nanu's parents as well as the parents of little Santiago. We walked the walk together, supported and consoled one another during some of the scariest times of our lives. We called our babies the Three Amigos and the Three Musketeers. We were bonded for life. We talked about how our children would grow up together and we'd recall how we'd been to war together. We knew we'd all get to the other side and all the fear and pain our babies and we suffered would be a distant memory. How could this have happened? My heart is aching and I just can't come to terms with this.

Instead of shutting down, Nanu's parents allowed me and others to spend Nanu's final hours at her bedside. What a show of grace under such terrible circumstances. It was a privilege and an honor I will never forget. Precious girl. She opened her eyes and looked right at her Mommy when her name was called. She held my finger. She was beautiful. This little girl touched so many lives and that was evident yesterday. So many came by to sit with her. Doctors and nurses on their days off came in. Nurses from other units came in. It was such a beautiful display of love and kindness. At 4:15, I said good bye to Nanu. By 5, our raven-haired angel, our tiniest Musketeer, was gone.

This morning, I am still reeling. I can't even comprehend the searing, devastating pain our friends are feeling. Whatever I imagine it to be, it has to be far worse. Please keep them and their family in your thoughts and prayers. I just don't know how anyone moves on from this.

Nanu, sweet girl, you are forever enmeshed in our hearts. Sam will know you were his friend. We will never, ever forget you. You are so, so loved.